ecstasy // willne x imallexx au

xxxvi

alex - 12th september 2018

05:27. the sun peeked above the horizon and filtered through the large pane of glass which served as the wall and window of our hotel room. i slid out from will's warm embrace beneath the covers and padded over to the chair which my backpack was dumped on, headphones and laptop charger spilling out onto the floor.

i glanced guiltily over to will's peaceful frame in bed before turning away and dipping my hand into the inside pocket of the backpack. i groped around amongst a camera lens, water bottle and other random things which i hadn't taken out. when i didn't find what i was looking for, i upended the contents of the bag onto the chair and rifled through it frantically. one of will's t-shirts which i loved to wear lay there, taunting me.

"shit," i whispered.

"looking for these?"

i spun around, my mouth hanging open in shock. will was sat up in bed, the culprit resting in his hand. a pack of benson and hedges, which i knew contained exactly three cigarettes. i stared back at him. that look in his eyes...

he chucked the pack in my direction, where it landed on the floor just in front of my feet.

"fucking do what you want, i don't give a shit," he sighed, before slumping back onto the bed and turning on his side where he couldn't see me. i walked back to the bed and inched between the covers.

"i'm sorry," i whispered, tears pricking my eyes. will let out a frustrated growl and got out of the bed, standing up and pacing the floor, running his hands through his unruly hair a couple of times before he spoke.

"see this is the problem," he said to me, "you... you—you fucking lie!"

"i tried, i promise, i really tried," i begged through my tears.

"yeah, well, you promised me before we came that you wouldn't smoke, it would only be weed. you said you would fucking quit. that's what you fucking said."

i stood up, taking a step towards him and outstretching a hand. he took a step backwards and dodged it. "i know, will, but it was so h—"

"i know it's hard, ok? i know. but you fuckin' promised me, al! and i trusted you, like you always trust me, ok? this shit works both ways, alex." his arms gestured wildly. i could tell he was tense, the muscles in his arms flexing whilst his bare chest seemed to be hardly breathing

"i didn't think you'd find out..." my voice trailed off, realising how pathetic that sounded.

"oh my god, are you hearing yerself right now? 'a can't believe you. a' can't fuckin' believe you." i'd noticed that his newcastle accent became more prominent when he was angry, the way he went completely back to his roots. it was almost a different side of him. he turned back away from me now and faced out to the bright rising sun. "go, go smoke. a' don't care." he sounded defeated now, resting an arm on the clear glass and leaning his head against it.

stood around a metre behind him, i watched as his smooth back rose and fell as his breathing slowed. the worst part? i was tempted. i was actually tempted to go, right then and there, to just finish those last three beautiful rolls of heaven. i was going to stop after them anyway. i'd sworn to myself that it was on this trip to la that i would kick the habit. i glanced to the pack on the floor, hoping they would burn themselves, and then set alight this hotel room and we would burn with it. at least then i would never have to see that disappointment i'd seen in will's eyes again.

it's only three more, and then i'll stop. will probably couldn't be any more angry at me if he tried in any case. i'd be done in twenty minutes...

i ventured over to the pack on the floor. SMOKING KILLS screamed back at me. the pack was light in my hands, the cigarettes rolling around inside. how easy it would be to just sneak them into my system quickly, cloud my head. then i'd stop. definitely.

i felt in my tracksuit bottoms pocket for the lighter which i knew i'd left there, and ran for the door. it was only three. three more on top of the hundreds i'd smoked in my life. what could three more possibly do? i grabbed the door handle, but before i could yank it open, will grabbed my wrists and snatched the packet out of my hands.

"no! will, please, please," i implored, trying to wrench my hands free from his grasp, however his large hands were strong against my pale wrists. "three more, will, it's only three. please, please." the tears spilled over again as i writhed, trying to free myself from his iron grip. i was weeping, sobbing, crying, i couldn't think straight, i couldn't breathe, i—

i felt an arm leave my wrist and instead circle around my body, holding me to a warm chest. then another, so i was locked into his arms, my face sticking to skin soaked with my tears.

"shh, alex. it's ok. i'm here." he stood firm and strong against the door, supporting me as i let myself melt into him, as i did all too often. "it's all gonna be fine. i promise."

-

"no, i won't do it. you have to."

"will..."

"come on, it will feel good. it's the first step."

the box of benson and hedges rested in my lap, as i sat in between will's legs on the warm sand of the beach. i looked out to the blue skies, blue sea, all clear, and clean. clean.

i removed one of the blems from the pack. it sat familiarly in between my fingers, aching to be lit and inhaled.

i snapped it cleanly in two. a few of my heartstrings snapped with it.

"that's good, babe."

i snapped the next one, and tore up the box into minuscule pieces, dragging it out for as long as possible. only one cigarette remained. i wanted it so badly.

i pushed the thought from my head. as far away as it could possibly go. then i snapped the final cancer stick in half. and then i snapped those halves. and then i broke them down into millions of tiny flakes which the birds could eat. they could get lung disease instead of me.

will kissed the top of my head, his arms wrapped securely around my chest. "proud of you, baby."

***

a/n: (omg this is fat btw but pls read) YOOOO FUCK ME IT'S BEEN A WHILE!!! six fkn month lol sorry about that. i would have an excuse ready but... bruh fr i didn't have motivation for wattpad and i kinda gave up with it as a whole, then like 3 days ago i reinstalled it and i had 700 notifs from u guys😭😭what the fuck that's mad?!?! and you were all so lovely about my stupid writing i was like you know what this book is my baby AM GONNA FINISH IT. so yeah it's continued.

oh and my joshy x memeulous one shot book was fucking deleted by wattpad and i'm fucking livid, i've contacted wattpad so hopefully i'll be able to get it back because like... i put so much work into it?? anyways luckily i had it saved in my library in my backup account so i screenshotted allll of my one shots which i'd published but unfortunately i think ive lost all my drafts :((( save your work somewhere other than this trash website kids !!!!

from the bottom of my heart thank u so much for sticking around with my shite writing if you're still here, sounds fkn wet but you lot are literally the reason i still lowkey want to carry out my childhood dream of writing a book when i'm older. love you all HOPE U ENJOYED xxx