Amber’s P.O.V.
That’s it. I haven’t been to school in four days, I have missed group therapy twice, my arm is practically flesh without skin, I am crying nonstop, I have thrown up 4 times, I have barely eaten anything. I am a wreck. I look like someone is sucking the life out of me. And actually, I had started to cut myself. I winced everytime when I saw the 6 red cuts on my wrist. I actually regretted it, but it made me feel better. The numb feeling went away, and I felt hurt more than ever. I haven’t been anywhere else than my room and the bathroom. I have been sleeping all day. I have been sitting in front of the curtain and saw how Calum’s light turned on and off. Shit. I like Calum Hood. Oh god, shit! I’m such a fool. I should’ve known better. I should’ve kept them away from me. I had seen how Calum was screaming in his room. Most likely, he was mad at me. It was 3 am and I couldn’t sleep because I had been asleep all day. I was sitting at the floor in my room in shorts and a shirt, unpacking boxes. That’s the good thing, I am almost done unpacking. I had found this Rubik’s cube thing which I never solved and I was working on it for almost two hours. I heard my dad snoring from the next room. I was thinking about the other day when Calum came around but I wouldn’t let him in. He left and some minutes later, he was freaking out in his room again, I could hear him yelling.
Then something snapped me out of my thoughts. Calum turned the light in his room on. I could see his silhouette through my curtains, he was walking back and forth through his room. I used to do that whenever I had nightmares. Oh I forgot about that, I have horrible nightmares too. I tried not paying attention to the boy and tried to concentrate on the Rubik’s cube again. Then, I heard a knock on my window. Not on Calum’s window as usual. On mine. I slowly stood up and pulled the curtain to the side so I could peek. Nothing. Another knock. Then I opened the curtain. There was Calum, in a hoodie and boxers, sitting in his window frame, his face brightening up as he saw me. He looked awful as well. Well, as awful as he could look, which is not really awful. His face was pale, his eyes bloodshot and he had bags under his eyes. Had he been crying? He had a notepad on his lap, and held it up. “CAN WE TALK?” I sighed. I didn’t know. But still, I couldn’t get worse. So I opened the window, the cold air hit me and I shivered. Calum looked at me expectantly and then flashed a little smile. I sat down on the windowsill and looked down. I gulped. It was higher than I expected. But still, I just sat there and waited for him to speak. He seemed to be trying to find the words to say, and to be honest, I was scared. I was scared that he would be mad at me or that he would just tell me I’m crazy (which I am). But then he awkwardly cleared his throat. “Look, I... I’m sorry for what happened the other day. I didn’t know about that. I am really sorry.” I nodded “It’s not your fault” I whispered. And then we were quiet. Should I tell him? He would be the first person to know what actually happened. I’ve never told anyone before.
Calum’s P.O.V.
I had no idea what to say after I apologized. So we just sat there on our windowsills, our feet hanging towards the ground. She was looking into the sky, and I have to admit, even with a pale face, bloodshot eyes and bags under her eyes, she is still pretty. Really cheesy, I know. But I can’t help it. She was wearing shorts and a shirt. It wasn’t covering her arm and I noticed that it was almost raw flesh. Shit. She seemed to be deep in thought until she suddenly turned her face towards me, but she still wasn’t looking at me. “I… I think I need to tell you something” she whispered, her voice getting quieter with each word. I could see tears welling up in her eyes as she quickly wiped the back of her hand over them. I just nodded and waited for her to say something. She began to talk hesitantly and quiet. “Look, I- I told you that I met Ashton in therapy right?” I nodded. “A-and he promised me not to tell anyone, that’s why he d-didn’t tell you… D-don’t be mad at Ashton” I nodded again. She breathed out loudly and closed her eyes as if she was afraid of what she was going to tell me. “I-I’m not just in therapy for the skin picking disorder… I-I have depressions a-and…” she breathed out again and opened her eyes. “I have a shock trauma” What? How?! I mean... what the hell… What?! Then she looked straight in my eyes for a moment and I could see tears rolling down her cheeks. “That’s because… Uhm… I actually have a sister… had” Oh my god please no. Oh god. “H-her name’s Victoria a-and... she was depressive… One week before we moved here s-she” She couldn’t go on, she was holding back sobs and hid her face behind her hands. She seemed to force herself to tell me. “I mean I s-saw how she k-k… how she k-killed… herself” Then she burst out into tears. Oh god. This is awful. This is… I wouldn’t ever be okay again. If I saw how Mali killed herself… I think I would’ve killed myself too. I just looked at her while she was sobbing into her hands, because I had no idea what to do. “I…I’m so sorry” I said. Our houses were so close that our feet brushed together every once in a while. I wanted to hold her so bad. I wanted to tell her that it would be okay, that she would be okay. I wanted to see her smile. Without thinking, I stood up and took a huge step from my windowsill to her windowsill. I quickly sat down next to her and placed one of my hands on her back. She lifted her head and looked at me in confusion. “H-how –“ “Windowsills” And then I finally threw my arms around her. She seemed to be so fragile, as if you had to be careful not to break her. She rested her head against my chest and I felt her breath against it. It felt right and comfortable. After a while, her hands made their way from her lap and she rested them around my neck. After a while, she lifted her head up to look at me, not pulling away from the hug. “Calum?” she whispered and I looked down. Our heads were so close. I felt the urge to kiss her, but I fought it. “Hm?” “A-are you going to leave?” her voice was full of anxiety and sadness. I shook my head no. “Why would I?” Her voice was shaking as she said “b-because everyone else d-did” What the hell… Why would you leave a girl after she’s been witnessing… this? I just pulled her closer to me and she snuggled her head against my chest. “I won’t leave” I whispered. “I promise”
