September 15, 2014
Jeongguk.. I feel so sorry to you, on the days where times seem a little harder. It is only because we are facing reality again. Sometimes, I think that giving up on music would be the way to go, for you. But I'm selfish because I want you to stay — so that I can become someone you look up to. If we keep sharing cup of noodles, though, I don't think you'll have much to look up at.
You're sweet when you hug me, and tell me everything's going to get better. You're still much shorter, and mostly eyes and nose. I think your nose is cute, even though I heard you tell Jimin that you hate it. It's cute.
Love always,
Namjoon
January 1st, 2016
I have been writing to you, in this journal, for almost two years now. It's amazing how the time flies, when you're constantly busy. It feels like I'm missing out on certain aspects of your life.. of our life. I'm no longer the closest to you, I think the maknae line takes the cake. I still want to be someone that you look up to, but I'm not so sure that I am, anymore.
I think Yoongi is the best role model, so far. I've done a great amount of dumb things, and we're all facing the repercussion. They're small mistakes, but I know that they'll never fade.
If no one else, I hope that you'll forgive me.
Love always,
Namjoon
October 31 2016
Today I realized, that I'm absolutely smitten for you. Today, you realized too. It's still surreal, and I feel a great amount of unease about it. I'm supposed to be the one that you look up to. I'm a mess, aren't I?
You said it's okay, that you like me, too. It made my heart beat faster. Especially when you smiled at me. I know that I still treat you as if you're ages away from the rest of us. I don't think that you are. You're much more mature than I ever remember.. did I miss out?
Stay youthful forever, little bun.
Love always,
Namjoon.
April 21, 2017
Today, we went on our tenth date. It was a subtle outgoing. I got to hold your hand in the art gallery. We kissed for probably the thousandth time in our relationship. I made love to you, for the second.
I do love you, and that scares me.. Can you still look up to me, if I'm not a good role model? Will this all be taken away from me? I'm scared.. three years of loving you, is simply not enough. I want to love you for longer.
Will you hold that against me?
Love always,
Namjoon.
December 1, 2018
Jeongguk.. this is the last entry that I will write to you. These four years have been a long ride.. Even though I caught you and Hoseok; even though I seen it with my own eyes, I still can't quite make much of it.
Reading through the thousands of entries made me realize: I wasn't a good role model. I knew that, myself, and I think I projected too much of that worry onto you. You grew quickly from such a young age, and I worried that with age, you'd become too mature to like someone as silly as me.
I was right.
You grew, until our eyes met. But we were never looking at the same thing. I don't know for sure what it was that you saw, but all I saw was you.
In another life, I hope we get a happy ending, as lovers do.
Love|
Remember always,
Kim Namjoon.
—
Jeongguk didn't realize he was crying, until now. The last entry, 9 days ago, would be the last time that Namjoon would touch the keyboard. He remembers seeing the older male before going to sleep. Remembers kissing him, as he typed away on the computer — assuming that he was working on another song.
That night, while he slept, Namjoon took his own life. The Namjoon who he had grown to love and cherish; the one who signaled no distress about the scandalous mishaps going on behind his back. The Namjoon, who was now cold and pale, where he lay in a beautiful brown basket.
The Namjoon, who he could now only look up to.
—
Open file?
Yes | No
"Hi Jeongguk! Today's the first day of my journaling adventure. If you are seeing this video, we've made it to five years! Can you believe that? It means that I've finally given you the journal, and you got to read how much I adore you, in the ways that I could not say myself. You're practicing right now, and so I won't interrupt that. It would give away what I was doing, anyway.. but happy 5 years. Thank you for loving me. I hope that I can still be someone that you look up to.."
Are you sure you want to exit this program?
Yes |No
Exiting 'The story of Namjoon and Jeongguk!!!' please wait.
