baggy sweatshirt ON PAUSE // joshler au

c h a p t e r s e v e n //journal

once again, my clock shows those bright ass numbers

why are they so obnoxiously bright?

i throw a t-shirt over it, attempting to dim the annoying light 

i sit in my bed, and i think

i think about my life, i think about my friends

i love brendon so much, i don't know what my life would be like if i hadn't met him freshman year, i'd probably be dead

when he found me i was so sad, i still am

but it's bearable now

sad

isn't that a funny word?

such a small word, can hold so much meaning

such a small word can describe millions of kids across the globe

why do we give those three letters so much power?

it's kind of dumb when you think about it

i look to my writing (yes, josh will write in this story, idc what you say)

i open it up to a random page, glancing over it

i feel like an instrument that no one has yet to play

i feel like dried up old clay

all i am is just a dead beat

i miss you

and i'm sorry it had to come to this, but it's for the better

i mean, they always say, "if you love them let them go"

right?

forgive me

i just have this feeling inside of me that refuses to leave, like an unwanted relative that stays too long

 please leave

my heart has been taken up by nothing

the only thing there is an empty void

distracting me from things going on in the outside world

it's pulling me out from reality

im there, but i'm not.

i cant focus, and everything has a blurry(face) sheen over it

i can't exactly feel anything

everything is numb and static like

i feel as if i'm on the outside looking in on everyone

but no one on the inside is looking out at me

(this was written by me back in middle school lmao, i made some changes to it though as i retyped it here)

i feel a tear slide down my cheek

i don't remember what was happening during this time

but i do know that i was in a dark place

and that i had no one

sometimes, i feel like i still don't