Rachel Mallarde started dating her crush just when they were about to graduate high school. Ngunit dahil magkaiba sila ng papasukang kolehiyo, they had to have a long distance relationship. They tried to make it work pero sa huli ay marami pa ring n...
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Napangiti ako nang haplusin niya ang aking pisngi.
"Good morning, baby," he said sweetly.
"Kanina ka pa ba gising?" inaantok kong sabi habang hinihila siya palapit sa akin. Hindi ko pa kayang buksan ang mga mata ko.
"It's late, why are you still in bed?" he said, his voice now lower and concerned.
"Kasi gusto pa kitang yakapin," sagot ko. I can stay like this forever.
"If only we could stay like this forever," lumungkot ang tono niya.
"We can."
"Rache, baby, you need to let me go. You need to start moving on..." He trailed off.
Binuksan ko ang mga mata ko. "Bakit ka umiiyak? At anong ibig mong sabihin?" tanong ko.
"I need you to let me go. I can't stay and watch you like this. Our forever won't be defined my days, months or years. We'll love each other forever and always, remember? Even if I'm not here, always remember that I love you." Hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko.
The moment I started to remember, my tears came out. My chest tightened and I think I might stop breathing any moment now.
No, this can't be a dream. JD's here. He has to be...
"Kailangan kita, you can't leave," pakiusap ko.
"Come on, get up. You need to be strong. Stop looking back. I'll be fine but I will really miss you. I'll be waiting on the other side." Hinalikan niya ang noo ko. I hugged him so tight. I don't want to let go.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Basang-basa ang unan ko nang magising ako. Tulog pa si Pugzy sa sahig. Ginala ko ang kabuoan ng kuwarto. I can feel JD near me and that made me cry even more.
After JD died, I was so devastated that I didn't know how to continue living. Halos hindi ako kumain at nag-alala ang lahat. I knew I wanted to die that day too but JD wouldn't want that. I feel like I'm alive right now but dead inside.
It's been four years, as of today. Longer than the actual days JD and I spent together. Kaso kasi, hindi lang naman sa araw nabibilang ang halaga ng isang tao sa'yo.
JD changed my life. How can he just leave me like this?
Niyakap ko ang litrato ni JD na nasa nightstand ko. Kung sa panaginip ko nalang makakasama si JD, I'd rather sleep all day. Especially today...
Napa-iling ako. May iba kasing sumagi sa isip ko. A bad thought.
Just then, the doorbell rang. I lazily got off the bed to open the door. Pinunasan ko rin muna saglit ang luha ko.
"Oh, Rache!" Niyakap agad ako ni Lexie nang pagbuksan ko sila ni Charlene, who didn't say anything.
"Uhm, pasok..." Namamaos pa ako. Kagabi rin kasi, bago ako natulog, ay nag-iiyak ako.
"Are you..." Hindi ipinagpatuloy ni Charlene ang tanong niya at nag-iwas na rin ng tingin. She's going to ask if I'm fine but they, yes our other friends, never really get to finish that question.
Because nothing's been really that fine ever since that day. Move on? Sinubukan ko pero hindi madali. I just keep on coming back to wishing JD is still here.
"Napanaginipan ko si JD. He asked me to let him go,"sambit ko. This is not the first time I had that dream.
Pareho silang natahimik.
"Sorry. Bakit nga ba kayo napadaan?" tanong ko. Doon ko lang napansin ang binubuksang kahon ni Lexie.
She brought out a small strawberry shortcake from the box.
"Galing kay Kuya JK. It's not to celebrate anything—I mean, we can—" Huminto si Lexie at huminga ng malalim.
Pareho kaming tumungo ni Charlene sa dining table. Kumuha ako ng tatlong platito at fork. Today's Christmas, my birthday and JD's death anniversary.
To me, this is the hardest and most depressing time every year.
"Do you think I'll be fine? Not now but someday maybe?" alanganin kong tanong habang hinihiwa na ang cake.
"You will. We're always here for you, Rache." Niyakap ako ni Charlene. Lexie followed suit.
"Darating ka ba mamaya?" tanong ni Lexie nang mabitawan na nila ako.
"Oo, pero may kailangan muna akong gawin," nakangiting sagot ko.
"Okay, we'll see you there." Inakbayan ako ni Charlene.
After eating a slice each, nagpaalam na silang dalawa. Magsha-shopping pa raw kasi sila ng mga regalo.
I know I've been shutting everyone down. Pare-pareho sila ng sinasabi pero sa tingin ko kasi, hindi nila naiintindihan kung gaano kahirap ang lahat sa akin.
I just graduated this year at kahit mahirap, ginawa ko ang lahat para makatapos. I forced and willed myself because I think JD will be proud of me.
His apartment, where I'm staying now, was supposed to be cleared out weeks after his funeral but I did everything so that I'd have it instead. Nagmakaawa ako kay Ate Ria na rentahan niya ito para walang magalaw ni isa. Sa tingin ko'y sobrang natakot sila sa puwede kong gawin kung nagkataong umayaw siya kaya't pumayag siya sa huli. I haven't changed anything here—same old table, curtain, furniture.
Mula sa isang cabiniet ay kinuha ko ang USB ni JD. Ibinigay ito ni Kuya JK sa akin, kasama na rin ang phone ni JD. Within this USB was JD's supposed Christmas and birthday gift to me the day he died.
'Hi, baby!' ngumisi siya sa camera. Isang bakanteng lote na pinapaligiran ng pine trees ang backdrop niya. Some months after JD was buried, hinanap ko ang lugar na iyon. To me, it became a place of solace.
'What'ya think? Sana pagdating ng araw ay dito tayo magpatayo ng bahay. I can't wait 'till that day comes. I feel like a fool stopping here just to shoot this. Wala pa akong nabibiling regalo mo kaya idadaan ko nalang sa korny moves. My gift to you is this promise, in a year, I'll be an architect and I'll be the best damn color blind one. In five years, I'll be so damn rich. Ipapatayo ko ang bahay natin dito. I'll ask you to marry me too. Will you marry me?' tumawa siya. 'You will, right?' He grinned this time.
After the video, a diaporama played. Puro litrato namin ang laman nito, kasama na rin ang mga stolen pictures ko na kinuhanan niya dati.
Once again, I cried my heart out.
"I really really miss you. If all it takes for you to be happy there is me letting you go, then I'll do that. Just give me some more time, baby, okay?" sabi ko sa kawalan.
Nireplay ko ang video para makita siya at marinig ulit ang boses niya. It was just wishful thinking pero gusto ko namagpakita siya sa akin kung sakaling nandito man siya. I know that he's watching over me.
