I loved you to the point where I couldn't possibly love you anymore; and yet everyday, somehow, I fell in love over and over again. Finding more and more love for you each time I looked into your eyes. I told you that. I told you everyday that I loved you to the point of no return. That you were my everything. That I couldn't live without you. That you were my drug, my ecstacy. The thing that kept me up to two am, because I couldn't stop thinking of you. You never understood that though. You accepted it and tried to understand but in the end you never did and you moved on. You found someone better than me. Someone who might love and need you as much as I did, but this time you understand that, because you feel the same way about them. You need them. You love them too the ends of the earth and back. You can't live without them. Now I'm here. Balancing on the knifes edge of being happy for you because you have finally found what makes you happy. Happy that you can love them back in the same way. Then hating you with a passion for never seeing what you meant to me. Hating you for not picking me even after I poured out my heart and soul to you till there was nothing left in both of them. I'm forced to sit in my own pool of tears, watching you move on and be happy with them. While I drown, struggle to find a reason to stay afloat, because I am all but forgotten. But I'm happy for you. Don't get me wrong. I truly am happy for you. Happy that you can finally be happy with someone. I know you are destined to make your dreams come true and reach heights that no one has ever thought of reaching. I'm just sorry that it's not me by your side supporting you. I'm sorry that I kept you from your dream for so long. I'm sorry for being everything you needed but not the person you deserved. She is the person you deserve. I have nightmares. Every night now. Nightmares where I see you and her being happy together and I wake up feeling nothing. I know you're happy and I know she will keep you safe and be everything I was and more. Yet I wake up in a pool of tears, my pillow soaked, breath shaky and short. I don't understand. I guess I'm just damned to watch others be happy and I'm forced to be happy for then but never be happy myself because my feelings mean nothing in the shadow of you. You may care and my friends might care but I don't. How I feel right now, this ocean of emotions where I'm drowning in them struggling to find reason, and when I finally seem to get a hold of myself a current will pull me back under and I start over. It's a never ending cycle that I'm okay with being in as long as I know your happy. I hope you're happy and I hope they can be everything I can't. Even now I'm running on minutes of sleep and writing this passage to explain my feelings and yet I dont feel anything at all. I laugh because I find it ridiculous that this is my life now. Eveything is just happening and I'm watching a movie. Nothing feels real anymore, nothing seems to matter anymore except that you are happy. I've pushed my own feeling to one side for so long because I had you, and now that I dont have you I can't seem to find my feelings. I don't seem to care. I'm just an empty husk of a person waiting to be revived with the kiss of life but the person who can bring me back has found another to take care of. At this point I'm just writing I don't think anymore. I'm just wandering around in darkness lost because the light in my world walked away hand in hand with someone else. You say you still want to be friends, but how can I watch someone else live my dream? How do I just stand there acting like I'm okay when its absolute torture to see you happy with someone else yet, I got what I wished for. I wished for you to be happy no matter the cost and I paid that price. Some may say I'm being selfish but I think I have the fucking right to wish and to dream. I have a right to wish for something that will never happen. I have the right to dream of my perfect world. But that's just it. They're just dreams. They're just wishes. They always were and always will be just dreams.
~Rose 2018
