Adopted by Tyler Joseph

25: Hidden

I tried to get over everything that has happened, but sometimes it's hard to block out. I feel like a failure, a freak, not good enough, basically unlovable. No one would ever WANT me, even though I know Tyler and Jenna do, it doesn't feel like it. Not because they dont give me enough or something, but because my depression won't let me feel it.

Every bad memory of mine had resurfaced, reminding me how useless I am.

And last night was the last straw.
I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to do it.

I wrangled myself out of bed quietly, trying not to wake Jenna up, then grabbed my satchel and went into the bathroom. I locked the door and sat on the toilet seat, looking at the all too known metal in my hand. I roll up my sleeves, revealing my healing scars, and it just made me want more.

I dug the cold metal into my arm, over and over again, and some spots probably needed stitches since I could see some fatty tissue in the wounds, but I didnt care. I kept going, over and over again with every word that crossed my mind.
Ugly.
Psycho.
Bitch.
Worthless.
Useless.
Burden.
Fuckup.
Mistake.
Unlovable.
Undeserving.
Replacable.
Annoying.

The words wouldn't stop.
I leaned over the counter, letting the blood trickle from my arm into the sink. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, seeing the half-shaved-head mess that I am.

What have I become?

I sighed and washed everything off. I put the blade away and used the first aid kit in the bathroom to roll up my arm just to stop the bleeding. After I was done wrapping my arm, I made sure no evidence was left behind and I tip-toed back into bed.

The next morning I was woken up by Tyler sitting next to me.

"Hey kiddo, it's time to get back on the road." He said.

I groaned and rolled over, not wanting to leave my warm cocoon.

"Theres donuts if you'd like"
I opened my eyes to look at Tyler, debating on the offer.

Then Josh bursted into the room with a mouthful of donuts.
"YEAH AND DEYRE SHAPED RIKE SHTAR WARSH CHARACTERSH TOO!"

I started chuckling at what a child Josh is sometimes.
I got out of bed, grabbed my bags and went back on the bus, enjoying donuts with everyone.

I decided to have some me time, so I put in earbuds and pulled out my sketchbook. I just doodled, listening to some old songs.

I know what you think in the morning
When the sun shines on the ground
It shows what you have done
It shows where your mind has gone
And you swear to your parents
That it will never happen again
I know
I know
What that means
I know

The rest of the day was laid back, except for the occasional aggressive tantrums Josh would have whenever Jenna beat him and Tyler at Mario kart.

Later on my thoughts made me feel numb, so I just went to my bunk and laid on top of my bed, facing the wall, thinking. In the midst of my thoughts, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Jenna gave me a super soft stuffed bunny.

"It's from Tyler and Josh. It smells like them, or the cologne they wear at least. I dont know about you, but whenever Tyler isn't doing so well, cuddling something always helps. And so does..."

She reached behind her.

"...a heated blanket!" She draped it over me.
They know me so well.

"Thanks mom. I love you so much, you guys always look out for me." I whispered sleepily.

"Of course kiddo. We love you more than you think. Goodnight." She kissed my forehead and I rolled over to sleep.

Tyler's POV

I watched Jenna come back to the table as Josh sat on the couch on his phone. She sat across from me and sighed.

"She was distant today, barely ate and went to bed before five in the afternoon! I worry about her Ty." She said.
I reached across the table and took her warm hands in mine.

"I know baby, I do too..."

"She seemed to be a bit more depressed today, but I won't push it. Sometimes you just have to ride it out. She'll come to us when she's ready."

"She just reminds me so much of myself, with the anxiety, depression...and the self harm..."

"Well, then maybe you can teach her a few things. Tell her something you needed to hear at that age."

I nodded as she gave me a weak smile and I kissed her cheek. Jenna read a book then went to bed, and Josh just fell asleep on the couch watching TV quietly. I crawled into bed next to Jenna pondering about Mars.

What did I need to hear....
What can I do to help her?