clash || shawn mendes & hailee steinfeld

Chapter 18

a few days later

"good morning beautiful." I hear Shawn say. "morning Mendes." I say smiling. I had his song, Particular Taste, stuck in my head.   

"I've got something to say.." Shawn tells me, looking down. I nod my head, biting my lip. "It turns out I'm going to Japan to shoot for Lost In Japan." he says, not looking me in the eye. "how long will it take?" I ask him, sadly. "maybe 2 - 3 weeks." he replies. "oh." I say.

I sip my tea, silently, soaking in everything he told me. "when do you leave?" I ask, hoping it wasn't too soon. "in a week." he stares at me in the eyes, "I'll miss you." he says. I nod, not replying. 

I was happy for him, he's always wanted to go to Japan but I don't want him to leave me, everything is harder, I can barely even reach my ankles without groaning in pain. He can't leave a 7 month pregnant lady on her own, can he?

"when did you find out?" I ask, rinsing my mug. "three days ago." he tells me. Three days and he didn't tell me!? "why didn't you tell me?" I ask, the tone of my voice changed. "I was going to cancel, but this is my only opportunity, I made up my mind a few hours ago." he says. 

Only opportunity!? He's such a rich man, I'm pretty sure he could go after Paige and North are born. Or is it that he thinks his fans are more important than his pregnant wife-to-be?

"mhm." I grumble, sipping my tea. Reality had hit me. Hard. If he left me for 2 - 3 weeks by myself, how would I get around everywhere? What if I felt ill? What if I broke my water early? All these thoughts hit me at the same time, I couldn't even hear myself. 

I screamed. I screamed so loud. I screamed so loud that Clyde, our neighbour, came into the house. "Hailee?" Clyde takes me to a chair. I looked up for Shawn but he wasn't there. "Where's Shawn, Clyde? Where's Shawn?" I scream louder, I needed Shawn. "breathe in and out." Clyde says, ignoring my question. So I ask him again, this time shouting and kicking. 

"Hailee calm down!" Clyde says, panicking. "Where's Shawn!?" I ask, for the final time. "He's gone upstairs, you know he can't handle it when your like this." Clyde tells me, all tensed up. I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw a red headed pregnant lady, about to burst, with the most intense expression on her face. I sat there staring in the mirror.

This wasn't me. I inhaled as much air as I could and exhaled. Inhale oxygen, exhale carbon dioxide. Inhale the love, exhale the bullshit. I kept all the positive thoughts in my head, letting them refresh me and leave a smile on my face. I smiled at Clyde, "thanks." I tell him, now embarrassed of the way I'd behaved. I guess my panic attacks were part of me, since he smiled back and left our now-humble abode.

I calmly walked up the stairs to see Shawn. I walked into our room and stared at him. I watched a smile form on his face. "I think I'll rethink my decision." he tells me. 

I'd never smiled at anyone so hard before.