Epiphany - Namjoon au

-25-

this is very short and I am very sorry. i am hoping to get my updates back to normal and i'm really sorry they've been so random. i started school and my 4 month old niece has been visiting for a while so i was having fun with the baby uwu. 

also i am changing the name of this book because i've always hated it and i thought of a really good name that relates the ending of the book SUPER WELL ;)

December 3 : Monday

Everytime I look at the boys I feel guilty. Maybe Yoongi was right and we both over thought things and we should have been open about our relationship this whole time. Namjoon's 'take life as it comes' attitude has backfired on us, just like I knew it would.

It's not Namjoon's fault though, I went along with the plan as well all in hopes of saving my Jungkook's feelings. It pains me knowing how confusing I've made my life out to be. I knew this was going to get messy but yet I let myself jump right into it.

I realize now what people mean when they say love makes you do crazy things.

School is like this nightmare I'm willingly walking into. Since yesterday Yoongi's words have been replaying in my mind. I spent all last night overthinking them and then worrying that I'm under thinking them.

Yoongi says we need to tell the others, and it's so much easier said than done.

In the shower I impulsively took at 3 in the morning I made up all these scenarios on how to tell the boys. They all seemed to work out relatively okay besides Jungkook's. In every scene my imagination created Jungkook always got mad at me, he always got hurt.

Namjoon and Yoongi both said that no matter what he'll have his feelings hurt, those words are anything but comforting. I'm stuck knowing no matter what I do I'm going to hurt the one of the people I treasure the most.

Throughout english class I was stuck grading practice essays. Final exams were coming up for winter break and teachers weren't wasting time to start preparing the students. But reading the papers allowed me to focus on something other than my friendship's impending doom with Jungkook.

"Hey, what's wrong you haven't been talking to me all day?" Namjoon leaned over his desk to whisper to me. There were only a few minutes left in the class.

"It's only 9:30." I shifted in my seat. I let my eyes drift over my boyfriend's shoulders and exposed collar bones. Even in the painfully white light of the classroom his skin is rich like honey, it looks so soft I want to reach out and touch it.

"Nanni. Don't." I made the mistake of making eye contact. His eyes glared into mine but his lips were pouted and his eyebrows showed concern.

"I'm just thinking a lot. I'm trying to put it together how I'm going to tell Jungkook." When our younger friend's name fell from my lips his expression changed. He understood now because even though he hates to admit it, he too is scared of hurting his little brother.

"Whatever happens we'll still be okay right?"

It shocked me slightly that he was still nervous of us ending. The damage is already done, breaking up with him wouldn't solve anything it'd just leave the two of us more hurt.

"No matter what Namjoon." The bell rang but we stayed seated. "We stay the same."

.

.

.

Photography class is hard to stomach through. Having Jungkook's happy doe eyes looking joyfully at me with every forced joke I tell is torturous. In short amount of time I'll be breaking his heart, the same heart that he fully opened up to me a few days ago.

The thought of the moonlight shining down on Jungkook at the old abandoned park haunts me. So quickly such a beautiful mental picture has become a horror film. The scariest thoughts always get stuck in your mind, my life is proof of that.

"Hey what's the matter?" Jungkook leaned across the table. His voice was barely audible as the teacher talked in the front of the classroom.

"Nothing. I'm okay." I couldn't look him in the eyes. Taehyung was busy fussing with his vintage camera to even notice us talking.

"I don't believe you." My scared eyes met his concerned ones. Is this what heartbreak feels like? How can I even say my heart is breaking in this moment? Jungkook is the one being betrayed by not only his brother but by his best friend, the same best friend that just established him as her soulmate.

"School is just stressing me out. The semester ends soon." I tried to be brief. The photography teacher was a bitch who seemed to gain from giving students detention.

I wasn't lying to Jungkook either, I just was keeping somethings to myself. The end of the semester was scaring me because once January ends my time in South Korea ends with it. The need to spend all my time with the boys conflicts with my need to keep my 4.0 GPA. Then on top of it all I have a secret, a beautiful but damaging secret.

"Okay~" He wasn't convinced but he let it slide.

After a few more minutes of the teacher talking, I didn't hear any of it, we were released for the last remaining minutes of class. Jungkook and Taehyung tried to fix Tae's camera while I flicked through some printed pictures I had taken back in Seattle.

I wanted my senior project to be special, one of a kind, so making half of it in South Korea and half of it in America seemed like the best idea. That is until I realized all my pictures from America are unorganized. It took me awhile to find any pictures that even related to my project idea, but I had finalized the three I wanted to use.

I took a picture of two girls in my 10th grade history class. They were passing notes back and forth even though they sat at the same desk. The girls, to my knowledge, have been best friends since birth so they became the obvious choice to represent American friendship. I had a picture of my mom sitting on my dad's lap during one of our weekend barbeques. She was nearly asleep as he laid his jacket across her legs. I still haven't found a picture for family love, but I'm sure I have a simple family portrait somewhere in my room back home.

It's hard for me to think in a few weeks I'll be on a plane going back to America. If I don't make it into the school in Seoul then I won't see Namjoon for a long time. Who knows when I'll use my korean again if I don't make it in.

"Nanni." I snapped my head up from the pictures in my hand. Jungkook was standing in front of me, Taehyung by his side. "The bell rang. Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah you seem a little off." Taehyung still had his camera in his hands but his eyes focused on me. I stood up from the stool, sweeping all my belongings into my backpack I through the bag over my shoulder.

"Yeah I'm good. Just a little off today, it's monday." Taehyung laughed at that but Jungkook didn't. His eyes remained on my face, inspecting it for my true emotions. I put on a fake smile as we walked out of the classroom.

Namjoon had texted me during the last class period telling me that he'd call me tonight. I assume he and I are going to have to come up with some plan on what to do. Yoongi expects us to tell the boys soon but I don't know if I'm ready.

I want to wait till after new years, cause then maybe we can all have a good first and possibly last holiday season together. Just incase I never see these boys ever again, just incase they hate me I just want to know what it feels like.