Epiphany - Namjoon au

-31-

December 29 : Saturday

I've been ignoring everyone's texts, but I've been reading them and rereading them every hour debating on whether or not to reply. After Namjoon dropped me back off at the dorms on Thursday I've been locked up in my room. The school called me into the head principal's office yesterday, I had to sit and be reprimanded repeatedly for my behaviour. I can almost recite the entire lecture in my mind.

When my parents found out my father was furious, he yelled at me separately on the phone once the meeting was over, I didn't speak once I just cried and listened to him vent. My father ended the phone call in the midst of his rage before my mother could get a single syllable out, but I couldn't handle my mother yelling at me as well. She would speak in spanish and at this moment I can't bring my mind to comprehend another language.

My confidence is at an all time low, I've never felt so immature in my entire life. I feel so small but mostly I feel so stupid. I realize now how fucking ridiculous I was for letting myself sleep out in the snow, I should have just gone home. What did I really think was going to happen? I knew Jungkook would be hurt and I knew the probability of him saying harsh words to me was high and yet I was still so surprised.

Jungkook could have been harsher, he should have been harsher. The only thing he really said was that I should have stayed in America which I agreed with him on.

I hit my palm against my temples repeatedly as I let realization set in.

"I'm so stupid, stupid, stupid." The tears I thought I had run dry of were miraculously reappearing as they fell down my cheeks. "God, why am I so-" I sighed.

I didn't really understand why I am so distraught right now, or why I have been for the past few weeks. Yes a part of me is crumbling because I am leaving the boy I'm in love with but that can't be the reason for all of it. I guess I never really let myself get used to South Korea, as soon as I got here I was swept into drama. It started with Seojun and then Jimin's mother, then Namjoon and Jungkook, I realize now how short six months truly is. I never really let myself get comfortable away from my family, for as long as I've been alive my family has been the only people around me. Now I'm alone, alone in a country across the world.

"Can I come in?" My eyes flick up to see Namjoon standing in the doorway of my dorm. "Stephanie gave me the spare key you gave her."

"I don't want to talk right now." He rolls his eyes at my stubbornness. Walking into the room he closes the door behind him with his foot before kicking his shoes off. "Namjoon~"

"Stop. I'm serious Nanni you leave at the end of January, I have to go back to school while you don't. I have to be in that place full of faces I don't want to see while you wait until the day ends." He says stern. I pull a pillow over my face trying to will my emotions away, I have no room to cry anymore. "I want to talk right now and usually I would do anything you wanted but not right now, not right now."

I felt the bed dip beside me and the smell of Namjoon's familiar cologne comforts me.

"What's going on?" His hand is resting on leg but it only stays there for a few seconds before disappearing. "Is it because you're leaving soon?"

I keep my head hidden under a pillow as I think of my reply. Different scenarios play through my head as I keep my eyes closed. After a few minutes I have a list of potential responses, but none of them seem good enough, my mind tries to say them all at once and I choke.

When Namjoon moves the pillow off my face I'm just reminded how much I miss him, and how much more I'm going to miss him. Bad thoughts taint every word that my mind generates like a mental curse binding me to my depressed state for an eternity.