Being gay is a curse when the homophobia you grew up with was so bad that you're homophobic yourself. Especially when you're into unavailable guys like your roommate, whose girlfriend is everything you're not (though appearances can be deceiving). S...
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When I went to college, I didn't plan to fall in love.
I had already been reluctant to move into the dorms, because I always managed to fall for every single guy that looked decent enough, but this was just the icing on the fucking cake. When Jackson walked into the room on that very first day, with his dark hair and his lean figure and his perfect facial structure, I knew I was fucked. I hated that he was attractive and that he was funny and sociable and I hated that he was straight.
But most of all, I hated that I was gay.
"Hey, Nate."
I didn't look up when Jackson came into the room. I never did. I wouldn't allow myself to. Because somewhere in my messed up head, I'd decided that he was the source of my misfortune, and I had to take my dislike with my own infatuation out on something.
He seemed to be the best candidate.
"Nate."
"What?" I snapped, slamming my book shut.
He raised one of his brows at me. "Really?"
"What is it?" I sighed.
"I asked for a room switch."
Ever since I'd confessed my unwelcome feelings for him, things had been unforgivably awkward between us. I'd never meant to tell him about it, but he just would not stop asking me what my problem with him was. And, well... Jackson... I just despise you because I have a crush on you.
This would've never happened if I had the money to go to the college I wanted to go to. But, no, this one was affordable and it had a good reputation, so what's the point of trying to get into the other one? Thanks, Mom.
I knew I shouldn't complain, though. At least I had the opportunity to study, unlike my older siblings. I was damn lucky, really. I was the first one, out of all five of us, to go to college, but like I said, I had to take my frustration out on something, and right now, the most bothersome thing about my life was my roommate. It was hard to focus on school when he was constantly around and I didn't want to fuck it up. I couldn't afford failing.
So I said, "Good."
"But there were no rooms available," he continued.
Fuck.
"Look, I know I said I wouldn't let this change anything, because I honestly don't mind that you're gay, but I—"
"You don't have to explain," I said through gritted teeth. "I know it's not about me being gay."
I knew he had bisexual friends and stuff. I knew that he was okay with it. He was just not interested, because he was straight and he had a girlfriend, whom he visited a lot. I still hadn't decided if I was happy about that. On the one hand, it was a good thing, because she was another reason for my feelings to be completely useless, but on the other hand, I hated her. Which was hilarious, because I didn't even know her name, let alone what she was like! Only because of jealousy.
