Deep Breath | G.Dolan

The Proposal

2:56am...I'm leaving this country today. I haven't even left my mark. Maybe I should go pee on a car outside.

3:04am...I didn't even go to that many museums. No one can appreciate fine art the way I can because no one is as intellectually mature as I am.

3:09am...I like jelly beans. But not the popcorn flavoured ones. They make me nauseous and remind me of that one time I was at the movies and wet myself a little.

3:18am...still can't sleep. It's January 1st...my New Years Resolution is to stop being such a difficult person.

3:37...maybe my New Years Resolution should be to stop eating so much. I turned over on my other side to try and get comfortable that way.

3:39am...I should go downstairs and see what's in the fridge. I got up out of my bed and went down the stairs and into the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator and the light coming from inside of it was the only source of light for the whole kitchen. I saw nothing. I don't want yogurt...and I don't want old chicken...I want Grayson to make me eggs like the good wife he is.

I went back upstairs after finding nothing to eat. I stood in front of my door for a second before going in. I turned my head to look down the hall seeing Grayson's closed door. Maybe I should go in...tell him I can't sleep...climb in next to him... I was considering it for a while before I decided against it. I went into my room and closed the door. I turned on the table lamp and sat on the edge of my bed, staring at myself in the mirror.

"The sun will come out...tomorrow, bet your fucking asshole that tomorrow...you'll still be a stupid bitch." I made a face at myself. 3:52am. I stood up and took my pants off. So freeing. I don't know why I did it...I just did. I heard noise coming from Grayson's room. A few footsteps in the room and then I heard some coming down the hall. I turned to run to my bed but my pants were still around my ankles and I fell. I made my best effort to get my pants off. It was proving to be difficult. Pretty sure I broke a sweat. When I finally did I jumped in bed, pulled the covers over my head, and turned off the light.

The footsteps stopped outside my door and I stared at the doorknob as I saw it turn. Oh please God let it be Grayson and not an angry ghost child wanting to toy with what's left of my sanity. The door didn't open but he (assuming and praying it was actually Grayson) walked back to his room. 3:57am...still awake and miserable. Feel like crying...don't want to be a puss.

I looked around the brightly lit room to make sure I didn't forget anything. I checked the drawers, the closets, and under the bed. The room was empty the way it had been when I first got there. Beams of sunlight streaming through the big windows, red and white comforter waiting for someone to sleep in it, a clean mirror and a faint echo bouncing off the walls. I squatted on the ground next to my suitcase, zipping it up.

"Are you ready to go?" I looked up at the door and Grayson was standing there with his jacket on and keys in hand. I wasn't leaving just yet. We were going to James' to spend a few hours just the six of us before I had to leave. It was about 11am and my flight was supposed to leave at 7:45pm. He looked almost doll-like standing in the light, leaning against the doorframe the way he always did, with one curl out of place.

"Yeah," I said standing up and grabbing my purse from the bed. "But before we go," I said taking Marky Mark off the bed. Grayson watched me as I handed my beloved pillow pet to him.

"What are you doing?" he asked, taking it.

"There was only room for one pillow pet in my carry on and I don't want Marky Mark to be squished in my suitcase and I want Napoleon to experience travel and New York so..." He was staring at me like I was crazy. "Just...you have him. I trust you to treat him right."