Deep Breath | G.Dolan

You Lose

"Ciara...Ciara...wake up." I groaned and rolled over without opening my eyes. The house better be on fire for this shit. "Shouldn't you have woken up like, half an hour ago?" I sprung up and looked at my phone. Grayson was sitting on my bed trying to wake me up.

"Shit, shit, shit!" I said half awake tripping over the mess of things on my floor to get to the closet. It was almost completely empty because everything was in the hamper. "I have no clean clothes!" I whined. If I leave in two minutes I can still be on schedule.

"Calm down," he said laughing. Bitch, does this look like a joke? I'm going to ruin my perfect record of never missing a class. "I would offer you my clothes but this is the only clean thing I have." He said motioning to the outfit he was wearing. I just stared at him. "No."

"Please Grayson I really have nothing to wear just give me it." Any awkwardness of the past few days dissolved in the urgency of not being late.

"Are you serious right now?" He groaned and took off his shirt and tossed it to me. It smelled like him...

"Close your eyes," I said waiting for him to shield himself from my shirtlessness, mostly so that he wouldn't go blind. I took off my pyjama shirt and put on his, thing if at the corner and throwing my leather jacket over it. I wore the black yoga pants I slept in and realised my hair was a mess. I grabbed my books and took a swig of the mouthwash on my dresser. He started to say something but I was already out the door before he could finish. I spit the mouthwash into one of the gutters and fixed my hair in the beanie. Not bad for getting ready in three minutes. You only look kind of homeless.

"Nice shirt...and hat," James said as we sat eating lunch.

"Thanks, nice...shit I can't think of anything." I said eating another French fry.

"So, I overheard something the other day. You know, the day you lost your mental virginity." He said leaning back in his chair laughing at his own shitty joke.

"Yeah, I overheard something too," I said remembering the banshee calls.

"No I mean like...I was going to get something when I happened to stop by the doorway of my kitchen and maybe saw something that I shouldn't have seen and like..." He was trailing off, "I would maybe like an explanation, you get what I'm saying yeah?" Oh he's referring to when I shot down Grayson like a tough bitch.

"Well, I mean it probably was whatever you think it was," I said and he smiled. "What?"

"Nothing. I just think the two of you should enjoy each other's company on a regular basis, if you get me." 

"Well you of all people should know why I can't," I said back, referring to his own parents not accepting his sexuality. "Why are you pushing for this so much?" I asked light heartedly but I knew I wasn't going to get a lighthearted answer.

"It's just kind of frustrating for everyone to see two people who are so good for each other and who obviously like each other a lot not to be able to be together." He was like a teenage girl. So I had to satisfy his needs. What he doesn't know is that the frustrating sensation he's going through, are called feels. So I told him what happened the night of my birthday. "Are you kidding me?!" he asked smiling. "So why aren't you together?"

"I'm going to kill you," I said completely serious. "Stop making me feel shittier about it than I already do."

"But to be clear, you do want to." I stopped to think and I shrugged. You are one stupid bitch. This is your opportunity to tell someone. Of course you fucking want to. You die every time he breathes and you hate yourself every time he speaks. "Well, this was a nice lunch. I have to get to the warehouse to film, you have more classes, but come by later," he said and got up to leave. I flipped him off like a lady as he was walking away and made my way back to school.