Pretending [YOONKOOK]

9 : I Want to Be Away

"Dear God, why is life so hard? Why did it has to be so hard on me? All I ever want was to be happy in this world. I just want to be a normal person. I just want to smile without feeling forced.  I just want to laugh without being sarcastic. I was sarcastic with myself, mocking myself. How could I laugh and smile when I cut myself yesterday night?

I don't know why I just cannot stop crying right now. What is this tears for? Are they because of my pain, or are they cause of frustration?

I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of expecting things will get better cause they never did.

What is dying feel like? I want to feel it.

All I ever want to do is be useful and nice to everyone but why am I so awkward? So emotionless? I can't say anything about my feelings to anyone. My mouth was shut as my voice was stuck.

Even after getting the help, I'm still pathetically here, debating on this pills in my palm.

I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to explain this. I don't know how to exactly wrote down this painful wound in my chest.

I thought i was getting better but me myself know what a lie is that is.

I was never better. I was just good at pretending I am. "

Yoongi grab his hair tightly as he cried painfully sobbing his empty soul out as he was talking to himself alone.

After the flashback of his past, it just bring back the triggers in him.

Yoongi was so frustrated that he don't know how to explain this feelings to anyone. He want to but he don't know how to.

Grabbing the silver blade from Jungkook razor as he broke his before. Yoongi stare at the silver metal with a blurry eyes. The pills was already kicking in his body.

Right now everything to him is just a twisting colors. He can't see straight but still he push the focus to his right hand that is holding the blade toward his left wrist.

Not like the first time, Yoongi wasn't even contemplating over it. Maybe due to the pills, he make a deep slice cut that is too close to his vein.

Yoongi hiss in pain as he feel his own skin tearing apart. But deep inside he know he love the pain rather than this numb feelings.

Yoongi head was aching severely as he was about to make another cut, the blade drop as he lose control on his right hand nerve due to the pills.

Yoongi groan in protest as he still didn't hit a vein,or just so he thought.

He actually did, but can't see it because his consciousness is fading off from his sanity.

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Jungkook was uncomfortable sitting on the cafe seat. All he wanted to do now was going back to his room and make sure nothing had happened there but one part of his heart just keep saying what if the letter was fake.

And just as he was battling with his thoughts, a notifications slide into his lock screen and it was from the group created by Jin together six of them all in there. But it wasn't really active as Jimin and Taehyung didn't really know Jin or Namjoon or Yoongi as they are just senior except for Yoongi because he skip and enter the university late.

Jungkook open the chat room and his heart just nearly stop.

It was the same picture. Just with different jacket. The same pose, the same emotions, the same place.

Just then Jin post another message.

@Jinnie Hyungie
Does anyone know where did Yoongi goes? He said he want to stay at the corner coffee shop where he usually get his coffee at but he's not here? I need to give back his phone. He left them here in my car.