Forever and Ever // Lams

The Hospital (Reprise)

ALEXANDER'S POV

I watched John's chest rise and fall slowly, peacefully. My heart was racing. I wondered faintly if this was how he felt when I had fainted from the first anxiety attack of mine he had seen.

I reached out and gently stroked his hair. I missed doing that so much, and I felt that this was the only chance I'd ever have to do that again. I wanted to get into the bed and curl up next to him, but I decided against that.

My heart physically hurt. I just wanted him to wake up so I could kiss him and hug him. But I knew if I was here when he woke up, we would argue again.

"John?" I waved my hand in front of his face. "John, you're not awake are you?"

He didn't move or make any noise, so I assumed I was safe.

"John Henry Laurens, I love you so much. I just want to hug you, to kiss you, and to someday marry you. I want to spend every second of my life with you. I want to never hurt you again. I wish you felt the same. I know you hate me, I hope someday you'll forgive me, even if we won't get together again. I hope someday you'll let me at least be a part of your life, even if I'll be stuck just being friends with you. I regret breaking up with you so much, I know I'm a complete idiot. Every fault I pointed out of yours in minuscule compared to the thousands of things I love about you. I wish I could tell this to you when you're awake and listening. I wish you hadn't cut yourself. I don't want you to hurt yourself. I don't know why, though. Was it about your parents? It couldn't have been about me, I know you hate me. You have no reason to think about me. Sorry, you're right, I do make things about me, so here's something about you. John Laurens, you're the most amazing man on earth. I love you. Yes, I know it seems insane for me to say that. I never told you I loved you when we were actually together, and it's been over two months where I've been seeming to ignore you. But I wasn't ignoring you. I was thinking about you almost every waking second. I know you may think I love Jefferson now, but I guess you would just say he's a rebound? I thought he was going to help me get over you, but he made me miss you even more. I guess what I'm trying to say is I love you so much and I'll never forget you. I just want you to be in my bed with me every night, to have your arm wrapped around my waist every day... I'm talking too much.... basically... I want to get back together with you, Jacky." I broke down into tears.

John's eyes fluttered open at the sound of my sobs. His green eyes pierced mine and I felt like he could see right through me, see that I had just ranted my heart out to his unconscious body.

"I heard everything, Alex." He said weakly.

My cheeks turned a deep red. He chuckled.

"It's fine, Alex." He reached out and grabbed my hand. "I love you too."

I wanted to lean in and kiss him, but I could sense he was going to say more.

He hesitated for a moment. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't in the hospital because of you, Alex. I... I cut myself because... I thought I'd never be with you again, I thought you loved Jefferson... And that made me... uh... you know...suicidal." He murmured the last word so quietly I almost didn't hear it.

I felt shocked. I reached out hesitantly to stroke his hair again. He smiled sleepily at me, and I barely had outstretched my hand when John grabbed it and pulled me close.

"I can kiss you right?" I felt his warm breath on my face.

I wanted to say yes, so so bad, but I remembered Jefferson. I hesitated, and John noticed.

He let go of my hand, but I stayed just as close to him.

"It's just..." I whispered

"Jefferson." He said coldly.

I leaned back again. "Yeah, I mean, I don't have any feelings for him, but we're technically dating and--" Tears began to gently slide down my face again, I didn't know what to do.

"Alex, are you going to break up with him? Are you going to love me just like you did before if you do break up? Are you going to think about him every night, wishing he was laying in bed next to you, or are you going to think about how much you love me? I know these questions seem to be conceited, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't 100% love me. Is that selfish? Probably. But I need to know."

I noticed his heart monitor was beeping a lot faster than it had been moments ago.

"John, I will break up with him. I will love you, but not like before. I'll love you even more. I'll never wish he was the one in bed with me instead of you. These questions aren't selfish, they're something every person in a relationship wants to ask. You're just brave enough to ask them out loud." I paused for a moment. "You know what I'm gonna do?"

He smiled, the corners of his beautiful green eyes crinkling. "What?"

I pulled out my phone and typed something quickly. I showed it to John and he smiled. I pressed send and then leaned in again.

"Can I kiss you now?" John's voice wavered with uncertainty.

"Of course, my love."

Our lips met and after a few minutes, my phone began ringing. We broke apart and I looked at who it was. I rolled my eyes. I knew he was going to respond soon, though.

"It's Jefferson."