Forever and Ever // Lams

Therapy

JOHN'S POV

I found us a therapist within two days of Alex accidentally suggesting it. My first session was on Friday, today. His was next Monday.

I drove there alone, after a few minutes of convincing Alex that I would be fine on my own. I wanted to be as unfiltered as possible with the therapist, not worried about my boyfriend eavesdropping.

I pulled up to the therapist's office and almost immediately wanted to turn around, which surprised me. I forced myself to go in anyway. The interior was a nice combination of sleek and modern while also feeling cozy and welcoming. I walked up to the front desk.

"U-Um, hi I'm John Laurens, I should have an appointment for right about now?" I realized my worry was audible, and so did the lady sitting across from me at the front desk.

"Yes, Dr. Goldsberry is right down that hall, first door on your left. Don't worry, peach, she won't hurt you." She said in a thick Georgian accent. 

"Thanks..." I went to where the woman had instructed me, and soon I was sitting on a comfortable couch across from a friendly-looking woman with dark skin, eyes, and hair.

"Hi, John! So, I was wondering if you could first tell me why you decided to come in today."

That question seemed harmless enough, until I realized I didn't want to tell her the answer. But I had to, that was the whole point.

"I've-" I sighed and leaned forward in my seat, deciding to just dive right in, "I've been self-harming a lot lately. Every once in a while I'll get suicidal. The only thing that seems to be keeping me from killing myself is my boyfriend, Alexander."

She nodded and wrote something down on a pastel pink clipboard. "So, what exactly is making you feel the need to hurt yourself, or do you not know?" 

"Well, honestly it's the same reason I don't kill myself, my boyfriend."

Her eyebrows raised slightly, "Is he abusive? Toxic?" 

"No, no, no, that's not what I meant at all. I mean, it's the fact that I have a boyfriend in the first place. It's the fact that I'm gay. My dad raised me to hate homosexuals, and that they should all be hurt and killed for their sins. And sometimes, if there's not enough noise and nothing to distract me - for example when I'm in the shower, which is where I had just self harmed when my boyfriend caught me and suggested therapy -  I remember my father's words and feel ashamed. I feel ashamed to be gay, even though everyone I know is supportive! Except for my parents." I finished with a sigh, somehow it had drained me of all of my energy to get myself to admit that to a stranger. 

"Yes, it is hard when it's the people you've spent about 18 years of your life with." Nodded Goldsberry, writing another thing down. 

"So, is that it for the day?" I was surprised at how eager I felt to leave, when I had been looking forward to therapy helping me to stop hurting myself.

"Well, it can be over if you feel that you can't share anymore, but if you could share more I'd like if you did."

I nodded "I guess I should stay."

"So, the first solution is to always have music or a podcast easily available to you. Always keep earbuds with you and put a speaker in the shower." I nodded. "So your boyfriend knows that you self harm?" She asked me.

"Yes, he does. He did for a while too, but he doesn't anymore I think. He constantly is telling me I need to stop and convinced me to get rid of all of my blades at one point. That was a little less than a month ago. Today, I guess you could say I sort of had a relapse, and I took a kitchen knife to- you know..." I shuddered and blinked away tears quickly.