Reading In Reverse

How to love someone unconditionally pt.2

"I want what you had." He says out of the blue one afternoon on a cold December evening. I had invited him over because I had just broken up with my boyfriend. I had fallen out of love with him and in love with someone else. I didn't tell him that of course, I only told him things weren't the same anymore. Ok, and maybe that I had fallen in love with someone else.

"What do you mean?" I knew exactly what he meant. The "love" in our relationship.

"Anytime he ever looked at you, he would always get this spark in his eyes. You made him happy. For awhile anyways. I can see that it had died down, the honeymoon phase that is."

A phone call interrupted our conversation half way through. My ex-boyfriend on the other end of the line, somewhat very confused.

"Why him? Why'd you choose him over me?" He sounded so desperate it made me pity him.

But at this point, I was to annoyed with the fact that he couldn't realize why I'd left him.

"You wanna know why? Because when I was sad, you said you were busy with friends and he came to my house to hang out with movies and fuzzy blankets. When I was on my period, you got mad at me for giving you attitude, he bought me chocolate and a teddy bear." I'm going on a rant at this point and I couldn't care less.

" When I had a big test the next day, you made me go to a party with all your friends, he came over with drinks and snacks and helped me study all night. When I said I thought we needed time apart, you said ok and went to hang out with other girls and he constantly reminded me how much he cared and that he was there if I needed him and not you. Because you liked me temporarily and he loved me unconditionally. That's why. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm a little busy." I hung up the phone and we both sat there in silence waiting for the other to say something.

"I had no idea..." He paused, took my small dainty hands in his large ones. "I'm so sorry," He took  my phone and placed it in front of the couch on the coffee table and hugged me closer to his body. I let all my bottled up emotions pour out and an ugly sob racked my body with tears threatening to spill onto his burgundy tee shirt.

I leaned in to kiss his cheek and he backed away. I felt a slight discomfort. Had I misread his signals? I couldn't have, could I?

"Look, I dont know how to tell you this... I was just being your friend. You needed someone there and we've been best friends since grade 3 but I think we're better off just as friends. I'm really sorry..." He looked away and my heart shattered. I honestly don't think I've ever been this sad in one day. Who does this seriously? I don't just have myself to blame for being stupid and oblivious but leading me on?? Really??

"I can't even begin to express how sorry I am that I lead you on. I just think we'd be better off like this. You understand right?" He gave me this hopeful look that maybe we could still be friends but I rejected it. Right then and there I stood up off the couch and took a deep breath.

"I think it'd be a good idea if you left, and I'm not sure when I'd want to see you again. I just need time." I let out a huff and hugged myself to stop form shaking too much.

"Ok, I understand. Again, I'm really s-"

"Don't." I said abruptly cutting him off. "The more you try to apologize, the less it works. Just leave please."

After I close the door, I get under my blankets and cry myself to sleep knowing the one person I thought cared about me thought of me as just a friend. Now there's no one and I find myself alone again.