Reading In Reverse

18/02/20

I'm still in love with you. Although you hurt me. I'm not sure why. I don't believe it was your intention to do so. Everything seems to remind me of you. But I'm sure nothing reminds you of me. You're not here anymore, but I see you in my dreams, the way you hold me close like you're afraid to lose me. How you kiss me like it's the last time you'll ever feel my lips again. But I always know it's not real, it could never be real.

Because you don't love me the same as I do. And I can't fathom the idea of the truth, because I don't want it to be true. 

I'm always thinking about you.

But there's a vicious cycle replaying on a loop going round and round in my mind that you love me. And then you don't. I truly believe you did, for the tiniest sliver of a second. And in that moment, everything was perfect. Until that moment ended.

Everything seems to fade away after that. All my thoughts of you, because I know you so well, rush around in my head and trying to piece together what a great person you are with small fragments of what I remember about who you are. 

I talk to you sometimes. Less than we used to. But I still miss you. You seem so close but you're so very far away. Just out of reach, but I smile when you want to talk to me. I know I shouldn't but I do.

It reminds me of what we had when you cared about me and what I had to say. When you knew you could joke around with me and we could talk about everything and anything. We were there for each other and nothing else mattered.

But now you're gone and I can't see a world without you because you opened my eyes up to a whole new perspective and I can't thank you enough.

I should let you go but I can't. And I'm okay with that now. 

I'm okay with the pain you've caused me. I'm okay with it, it's going to be okay.

Because it has to be.