Reading In Reverse

a story for those who are always the second option

When your boyfriend broke up with you, you came over and you cried, talked through it, and slept over. I was there for you. 

My dog died, and you were too busy to talk. 

I always have to ask for something, it's never offered. 

On your 18th birthday, I threw you an awesome party, it was a surprise party, because you told me 8 months ago you had always wanted one. And I thought it'd be nice if you enjoyed one.

On my 18th birthday, I threw myself a birthday party, you showed up late because you were at someone else's party.  

No one is ever there for me in a heartbeat. Everyone makes plans to hang out, in front of me, but I never get invited. I have to ask you to come, or you tell me you can only invite a certain number of people. 

No one saves me a seat in the cafeteria.

Or calls me to talk about the latest gossip. Just to talk.

I'm always the last one invited to things and lied to about sleepovers on a Saturday night.

I'm the friend that's never in pictures because I'm the one asked to be behind the camera. They don't tag me. And yet again, I offer to take a selfie but the quality wouldn't be as good, and I want my whole outfit in the picture.

When I am in pictures, I'm on the side, or in the back.

I've always hated sentences of the sort; I would invite you, but I can only invite a certain number of people, or don't worry about it.

It doesn't make anything better, maybe you think it does. But if you cared, you would offer to make it up. But if I ask, you always say don't worry about it, or it's not a big deal, we can hang out some other time. 

No, we won't. And I think we both know that. But deep down, I'm hoping it's not true. 

Immanuel Kant once said, "Do for other people, what you'd like them to do for you." But all that's gotten me, is giving and never receiving. Like the birthday party. 

I spend hours waiting for a text, waiting for someone to want to be my friend. At this point, does our relationship only continue because you don't have the emotional strength to tell me otherwise? But no one ever comes. I'm out of love to give. 

I don't have any other friends, so leaving this group would mean leaving my dilapidated comfort zone. But, once I express how I've been feeling on the inside, you shut me down, because the truth is, you know what's going on, but you could never admit it to yourself. 

And you never will, until you're in your mid-40s and you suddently realise, while you're going through a divorce, that you need someone to be there for you. And when no one is, you're going to think back to 25 years ago, that I was there for you.