Thoughts of a Doubting Christian ✓

"But You Don't Look Queer"

When people find out that I'm queer, I always end up hearing something to the affect of:

"But you don't look queer."

"I'm surprised because...you just look so straight...I mean, you're very feminine, and...and have long hair and, well...you know..."

"Huh. Never would've guessed. You don't dress like it."

"But your hair is so long!"

"I mean, I guess I could've seen it coming...you never wear makeup and really like pants...but still, you have long hair and painted nails and wear dresses, so..."

If I had a dollar for every time somebody said something like this to me, I'd be rich. Now, if I only got comments like this from straight people, I'd understand, because maybe they just have misconceptions about the queer community which can be cleared up. That's fine. Frustrating, but understandable. But sometimes queer people can be even worse about their responses:

"Oh, you straight-pass really well. Maybe you should do something about that if you actually want girls to hit on you."

"Hmm, you should cut your hair. I think you'd look better that way. Maybe a bob, or a pixie cut, or shave the sides. Right now, it just screams straight girl. Oh! I know! If you don't want to cut it, die it a crazy color. No girl who's truly straight dies their hair a crazy color."

"No, no, no, your wardrobe is all wrong. Where's your flannel? Button-down shirts? Pant suits? Bomber jackets and combat boots? Clunky jewelry? Piercings? Nobody's going to know you're queer by looking at you, not even queer girls."

"But girllll, your nails are long! That's never gonna work. You've never had sex with a girl before, have you? You need to cut those right away."

"There's a way to be feminine and still look queer, but that's not what you have going on here."

I understand where people are coming from. I know and appreciate that many queer styles were created to let other queer people know that they were queer without the entire world knowing. Over time, many of those markers became engraved in popular culture and become recognizable to anyone as a "gay thing."

Examples include girls with very boyish haircuts; girls who wear lots of flannel or only very masculine clothes; guys who wear tight jeans, floral jackets, jewelry, and have piercings...you get the idea. These are stereotypes, but they come to mind when people think about gay fashion. 

You know, stuff like this for gay/queer guys:

or this for lesbians/queer women:

I LOVE many parts of the queer woman™ aesthetic, and I have things in my wardrobe that fit it. I have a leather jacket that makes me feel 100x more badass the moment I put it on, several plaid button-ups, a few button-down shirts and dress pants that make me feel fabulously femme in a uniquely masculine way, and stylish brown combat boots that I borrowed from my roommate. Every day, I wear my plain black ace ring and a gay bracelet.

But most of my wardrobe doesn't fit into what people perceive as queer. I have lots of pretty, colorful, and patterned dresses. Patterned leggings, colorful jeggings, and dark skinny jeans. University t-shirts and childish t-shirts of cartoons or TV shows. Skirts, short-shorts, and lots of baggy sweaters. My closet looks like this:

and my accessories like this:

(none of these pictures are of me or anything I actually own)

So what if it isn't the stereotypical "queer woman" outfit? It's my sense of style, I enjoy it, I feel good in it, it's unique, and I love my long hair. (I'm actually trying to grow it out right now.)

Yes, some queer people love the queer aesthetic and it's totally their thing, which is great! Wear what makes you comfortable! But for those of us who have different styles and different tastes, expectations for what queerness is can be stifling. I take issue with the idea that queer people have to look any different than anyone else. Like, okay, I "look straight"? What does looking straight even mean? I'm just a person. Changing my style to match the queer community's expectations feels just as uncomfortable to me as changing my style to fit society's heteronormative expectations. People need to stop assuming that someone's sexual orientation is straight unless stated otherwise, or unless someone "looks queer." Queer people are just like everyone else.