Stall

Chapter 32.

"Pacing floors and opening doors,
Hoping you'll walk through
And save me boy,
Because I'm too crazy for you.
Crazy for you"

***

We've laid on the couch for the last hour in silence, with my face hidden in Harry's chest while he strokes his fingers through my hair.

I haven't been able to stop the million questions firing around my mind, but I've been too content being close to him that I haven't done anything about it.

Part of me is scared he'll avoid answering everything, the other part is scared he will actually answer them and I would have been better not knowing.

I've been battling with how I feel about Andy, I never wanted something like this to happen to him, but the more I get reminded by the tenderness of my face exactly what he did to me, I'm finding it harder and harder to empathise with him.

I'll never agree with what Harry did, but that doesn't mean I can't try to understand it.

I just know I'll never want the details.

I keep playing what Harry said in my mind, that he's scared he would lose me if I saw who he really is.

I can't help but wonder if maybe I have seen who he really is, and he's the one that hasn't.

Just like at the aquarium when he took the pictures to show me what he sees when he looks at me, maybe he sees the real me I can't see either.

Of all the differences we have, maybe that's the one thing we have in common.

I know we can't stay like this forever, I know I need to bite the bullet and at least ask him some of the questions eating me alive, I just wish I didn't have to.

I keep thinking about all of the things he's done for me, whether it was simply pushing my photography, whatever insane idea made him apply for that job at the animal shelter and today with showing me he replaced my camera - just before everything fell apart, and he's somehow started to piece it back together again, but I keep thinking about how thoughtful and kind all of those gestures were.

I refuse to believe he's some heartless monster, he's shown he has more kindness in him than someone like Andy, who swore he were a good man, and he turned out to be the monster.

I wonder a lot what happened to Harry, to cause that kind of anger and violence in him. I came to that conclusion that something created that in him because there's no way he was just born that way, no one with that ability to be so gentle and kind turns out that way unless they're forced to.

I know however, that's something that if I ever do find out what it is - it won't be for a very long time, and I highly doubt it will happen.

I want to try and show Harry that two wrongs don't make a right, and you don't have to hurt someone to prove a point.

It sounds silly, but I feel like we show each other what we're both missing.

I show him the empathy and kindness he struggles with and he shows me the confidence and assertiveness I struggle with.

I also have the pit of worry in my stomach over how he knows David, worry that Andy will tell him it was Harry - even though, I know David won't believe a thing that leaves Andy's mouth after this, I'll be shocked if he doesn't disown him.

If David ever found out Harry did this it would be horrific, David has always had a lot of powerful connections, and I've watched him use them a few times over the years to make legal troubles disappear.