Stall

Chapter 103.

"I'm not okay
And it's not alright
Won't you drain the lake and bring me home again?
Who will fix me now?
Dive in when I'm drown?
Save me from myself
Don't let me drown"

***

Please say you mean you're a cookie monster...

As much as I would want him to tell me that he sits in his basement filming himself eating cookies I know that's not going to happen.

But a girl can dream.

"Can I tell you something?" he asks, watching the worried look on my face while his is etched with that guilt and fear, but there's something else there.

There's a mournful tone to his voice, as if grieving over something he's lost - or about to lose... I've heard it on before and I hate it.

"I promise I'm not stalling on explaining, just wanted to tell you somethin' "

"Okay, go ahead" I agree with my heart aching like splintered bones in my chest over how in pieces he looks.

It's blatantly obvious he doesn't want to be doing this, but he's doing it anyway. I know Harry - well I think I do... And for him to push past his own discomfort to open up about something, especially something that he does not want to say is such a big thing for him.

I can see how hard this is for him, and it's hard to watch someone you love so much stand there and look so anguish ridden but also so confused because they don't know how to deal with what goes on inside them.

Harry sighs, smoothing his fingers through his hair and walks back to sit on the couch, but his body language is so defeated.

"It was never meant to end up like this..." he begins once he's made himself comfortable but he's leant forward again with his elbows on his knees and his forehead pressed against his hands.

"With you - I mean. When I saw you at the tattoo studio that day... Felt like seeing a ghost, but a beautiful one. I literally just made up that excuse about you taking photos so I could see you again and I had no idea why I even wanted that but then... After you left... I kept checking out the window and then I saw you leave the studio with him. I recognised him straight away and felt fuckin sick that, that's who you were with - I wanted to get you away from him. I knew who Andy was and I knew he was just like David, I don't know what it is I can just recognise it in people"

It's strange listening to Harry tell his version of what went on back then, what his thought process was because he was so elusive about it in those days.

I just listen to him, waiting to see where this is going.

"So erm, I kinda decided I was going to get you away from him - it's why I wouldn't leave you alone... Well part of it, I couldn't seem to stay away from you at the same time. I thought maybe I could make you realise what he was like, or that he wasn't right for you. I knew you were the type that if you cheated on him that you'd feel guilty and end it" he explains sounding cautious with the way he's choosing his words carefully.