Stall

Chapter 73.

"Isn't it lovely, all alone?
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone
Hello, welcome home"

***

Harry and I stayed in the pool for about another hour, just letting him enjoy the reality of what he had done and letting it really sink in for him.

I didn't exactly know what to say back to what he had told me, about wanting to figure out what love feels like and that's something he wants to be capable of feeling, that it would be something he could have with me.

I was just speechless over it, I can't exactly blurt out "OH that's awesome, well while you do that, I'm just going to sit here head over heels in love with you, nearly having a stroke every time you open your mouth and decide to side swipe me with the heart felt things you say that you barely understand yourself and probably have an internal meltdown over it. Good chat. This has been a great chat"

To be honest, even though I am so swept up in him, the idea of getting my hopes up about him and the thought of him being in love with me is terrifying.

There's so many things he does, that makes me think maybe he could be and not realise it yet, but I also don't know how to navigate someone that doesn't even know what love feels like.

You can't just assume someone's feelings, and until it's something he can tell me for certain, I'm afraid to get to get too attached to the idea.

I can't help loving him either way, whether it's returned or not. I can't ask something from him he doesn't know how to give, and if what he feels is the best he can do at the moment I accept that, he's trying his best and all that's I can ask from him.

I'd be a fucking liar if I tried to say what he said didn't make my heart soar in my chest, and I know the fact he's even thought about that is gigantic for him, and that action alone is enough to let me know I'm important to him, that he values me and that's enough to have me even more condemned with him.

But, I'd rather think he doesn't love me and have it turn out that he does, rather than believe he does and have it turn out he doesn't.

I'm happy with a 'maybe' for now.

We were both emotionally drained when we got out of the pool,  when we dried ourselves and Harry just put on his old clothes, I have no idea how jeans are comfortable without underwear but when I offered the sweatpants he said he is fine with his jeans.

I changed my underwear and put my dress back on, however not without Harrys stare and grabby hands making it ten times more difficult.

He made a cheeky comment about how he wants to express his feelings later, and pouted when I put my dress back over my underwear.

While I'm completely use to his crude nature by now, the whole interaction just seemed affectionate, he wasn't trying to start anything sexual - which surprised me, instead just close and caring in his own way.

I'm just happy to see such a playful mood on him, how cheerful and genuinely elated he looks, like the weight of the world was off his shoulders.

I know it's only temporary, but at least when his demons start to creep their way back at least we've manage to rid a few of them and that's all we can really do, take it one at a time.

I left Sophie's in a far better state than when I got there, I wasn't riddled with dread and anxiety, instead things felt amazing between us, it was one of our blissful moments where it seemed like nothing in the world could bother us.