Stall

Chapter 44.

"And I may be evil and I may be vile.
But you must be stupid, yeah,
'cause I made you smile

Won't you take another look at the things I've had to say?
I'm broken and empty, but I try to make a change
I've ruined many things and traveled across the seas
just to throw it away."

***

"You can tell me as much as you want to" I assure him, but I can see that he's looking nervous again.

"Can we uhm, can we go sit on the couch?" he asks, gesturing his head towards it.

"Of course we can" I agree, releasing one of his hands as I stand from the table, urging him to follow."C'mon, let's go sit"

Harry stands with me, keeping his hand gripped in mine as I walk around the table and turn to walk towards the couch.

I'm stopped by Harry tugging on my hand, and pulling me back towards him, and he steps forward to stand in front of me as I face him.

I look at him confused, wondering why he's stopped me, but he just darts his eyes over my face like he's taking each detail of it for the first time.

"Your bruises are gone" he points out, but sounds distracted.

"Yeah, just like you said they would be" I say slowly, wondering what he's thinking.

He holds his breath, dropping my hand and brings his hands up to rest against my neck, tracing his thumbs along my jaw.

I can't help how exilerating it feels to have his touch back, like you've been starving for months and get your first meal.

"Can I kiss you?" he asks softly, looking apprehensive about my answer "You can say no, I know you're still upset with me...I just, I just want to in case I don't get to again after this"

I think back to what he said the day I found out about Andy, how scared he was that I wouldn't let him kiss me again.

I'm realising more and more just how insecure he is when it comes to me, and all this time I thought I had no power when it comes to him, I thought he had it all but I can see now he's the one that feels helpless and powerless.

And I've decided that with whatever he tells me, I'm going to try my hardest to understand, he's making me nervous with how scared he seems about telling me things, but I know that if I want Harry, I'm going to have accept things about him I probably don't agree with.

I'm not that stupid, especially after what he did to Andy, the violence that seems to be his natural reaction, the nights I'd see him surrounded by whatever his drug or choice was, I know there's things about his life that would have terrified me months ago, but I also know that maybe Harry was never given to chance to be any different and while everyone else in his life may have betrayed him, I refuse to do that after he's opened up to me.

I want to show him that you can be honest, and it's safe to do that, this isn't about anyone else or his past, this is about the man in front of me right now, the one I want to show the kindness and acceptance to that he's never had, and life doesn't have to be the way he thinks it does.

I'll figure out a way to get past whatever he tells me, like addicts do, they'll rationalise anything to keep their vice in their life, and he's mine.

I'm just hoping I can, but how I feel about him is enough to blur even a priests judgement, so I can't imagine him telling me anything I couldn't get past.