Stall

Chapter 93.

"You say that I'm too crazy
I guess you were right

My straight jacket's custom-made though"

***

It's been three days since we came home to Harrys butterflies smashed on the landing in front of the door.

It's been three days of Harry barely talking, two days of me getting dropped off at home by Jimmy after work only to walk in and find Harry completely obliterated drinking whisky, to the point I had to help carry him to bed because he could barely walk.

Now I've seen Harry drink, and I've seen him consume a lot of alcohol, and seem barely affected so I don't even want to imagine how much he had to drink to get to that point.

He's been a shell of a person, and I've been doing everything I can think of to try and bring him back.

I had tried to stay home with him but he wouldn't have it, and I was stuck in this weird balancing act of wanting to be there for him but also not smothering him so he shut off more.

Harry has spent years protecting himself, cultivating the persona and hard shell he had so he never had to experience what he did when he was younger again, until recently he had closed everything out. Unfortunately with doing that it meant he shut out the bad and also the good, but he'd been making such large strides with learning about things.

Himself, his emotions and learning things like trust. He was learning about receiving things he refused previously like comfort, kindness and compassion and just when he was starting to accept these things he had someone come along and kick him straight in the teeth with it.

The one thing I'm hoping, that I can show him is different this time around, compared to when he was younger is that just because that's happened doesn't mean he has to close off again. That it can still be safe to try, and that if he gets knocked down he has someone there to help him up.

That he's not alone, and that someone cares. That I care.

I could have fell to the ground and kissed his feet this morning when I woke up, the first smile I'd seen in days pulled on his lips and I managed to get a crass remark from him when I'd walked out of the bathroom from the shower.

I think the thing that's been different for him with this, and that's helped him is the consistency.

To know that even something awful had happened but I wasn't going any where; that things hadn't really changed, everything wasn't being ripped away from him; he was just experiencing pain.

And it showed him, that things get better and what he was feeling wasn't permanent. The life he has now is what's more consistent than his pain.

I had taken the day off work today, and spent the morning with Harry; encouraging that small smile he had graced me with into as many more as I could before I went out.

Harry didn't question where I was going - which is how I knew he really wasn't feeling his usual self, he knew I was going to be with Jimmy and I left him curled up on the couch with Ludo re-watching his seasons of Jersey Shore.

Frankly I think he was too drained after the last few days to really ask where I was off to, as long as he knew I had Jimmy with me that seemed to satiate his need to know I was safe.

I told Jimmy and Steve what had happened, and they were both homicidal over it. I'd never really seen the protective streak that Jimmy had for Harry before; considering how sufficient Harry is defending himself.