Stall

Chapter 102.

"I've got two faces
Blurry's the one I'm not"

***

"....What do you mean what goes on in your basement Harry?" I get this feeling in my chest, that's making it harder to breathe. It feels tight, but at the same time my heart feels like its slipping down through it into my stomach.

What the hell does his basement have to do with any of this?

Does it have to do with what Jimmy was putting down there?

Suddenly it's like a light bulb goes off in my mind, a connection that smashes together so hard I feel like I'm nearly knocked off the couch.

His father's tapes all happened in the basement...And now Harry, his tapes... His basement.

Is he... What the fuck is he doing down there that has to do with what his father did to him in the basement?

He's making those tapes of his in the basement?

I feel like an idiot right now for being so oblivious to this, but at the same time I never would have thought anything of his basement; having anything to do with his tapes - I didn't even know he bloody had one until not that long ago.

I think back to the day Jimmy blurted it out and Harry asked if he could talk about it later because he was uncomfortable...

I knew it probably wasn't something good that Jimmy was taking into his basement, or what he kept down there but I have a gut wrenching feeling it's so much worse than I was thinking.

Harry looks down to my lap and takes hold of the end of his shirt I'm in, toying with the hem of it "Before I tell you... I just, I want you to know that I love you and... I want what's best for you even if that's not me and... And I understand if this is too much for you - I don't expect you to think it's okay... I just - I just wanted you to understand and be honest with you because I love you, and I'm not doing the right thing keeping things from you"

He looks mournful as he looks at the shirt, pressing his lips together "Still remember the first time I saw you in one of my shirts, after that first night... Was strange seeing something of mine on someone so sweet - thought that's the closest I'd ever get to part of me being close to something so good"

I watch the corners of his lips turn up ever so slightly and he looks like he's running memories through his head but he looks so devastated at the same time.

He looks back to my face, and his eyes look terrified just like they did the day he came to my apartment when Sophie tried to kick his ass and he finally opened up to me.

He swallows thickly while those green eyes that have been so gentle with me become glassy and he chews on his lip "Don't make excuses for me okay? I don't deserve them"

I don't think I can prepare myself for whatever he's about to tell me, I'm trying to think of the worst but I don't even know if I could imagine the worst.

He's told me some pretty awful shit since I've known him.

I could have never imagined what happened to Harry for example, and yet I just saw it for myself.

I think the me, he first met would be crippled be whatever he's going to tell me - but with everything that's happened these past six months, everything I've been through, I think who I am now could probably handle it.

I mean I think I could handle it in the sense that I wouldn't be reduced to a shattered ball of terrified nerves like I was the day I found out about Andy.