Part 13

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With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before there's a country song where the truck leaves him.

Cop: are you high?
Me: hello, am I what?
Cop: high
Me: hello

iPhones are so sexy without a case, but it's also risky business.

Hello! May I please speak to Jesus? Because these people are going to make me break at least 4 of the 10 commandments

You can't just run away from your problems forever.
Me: I'm fast. Very fast.

If bohemian rhapsody starts playing and the person you're with doesn't start singing along and at least attempt the different voices, you really need to leave them alone. You just don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

What if one day for 24 hours, everyone turned into whatever their tumblr url is.


My health teacher asked for different ways to help prevent pregnancies. I said 'do it in the butt' and I got extra credit because no one has ever said that before.

Mom: when are you giving me a grandchild?
Me: hands her my puppy




Do you ever wonder about how an author would describe you in a novel? Not only your appearance but the way you talk and laugh and hold yourself and all the expressions in your face?

I wanna be a villain so I can just saunter everywhere. The hero's are always sprinting, always running. You ever seen death Vader run? Hell no. And I ain't about to either.

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