Him & Her

viii. Her

How did I not hear him coming?

How did I not feel his presence?

I can't help but think,

As I turn around to face him.

And that's when the reality sinks in.

He's here.

He's here and he just said something to me.

He tried to start a conversation.

Does that mean something?

Or is it because Mr. Todd asked him to come help me out?

But Mr. Todd knows I like being left alone.

So maybe...

Maybe he's doing this all by himself...

What am I supposed to see this as?

Does he want to befriend me?

Does he look at me the same way I look at him?

Is this a dream?

Do I really want to know the answer?

Won't it be a disaster if I do?

Because I can never be friends,

Not with anyone, but especially not with him.

It's like my anxiety hits new highs when I'm around him

And he makes it impossible for me to speak.

Just staring into those deep mysterious blue eyes,

The ones I've fallen for,

The ones I could go on looking at forever,

And I feel this connection as he meets my gaze.

Does he feel it too?

And then I panic.

I panic as I realise I've been staring at him,

And that he's been staring back.

I suddenly feel small,

Conscious of how I look,

And wonder if I look stupid.

And then I remember,

I haven't replied yet.

But what do I tell him?

Does he know he wasn't supposed to hear that?

But if I don't say anything,

He may mistake me for dumb.

He may never come back.

This is my chance.

This is it.

"Nothing." I want to say. 

"Hi, I'm Janet," I want to say.

But I don't.

I can't.

I just wish he knew.

I wish he understood.

But how can I expect him to,

When he doesn't even know?

I turn away from him, 

Accepting my defeat.

Turn away from those deep blue eyes,

The ones I still dream about.

And I find myself wishing I could stare into them forever,

I wish I could.

But I can't.