sweet emotion • jess mariano

| nine

『 chapter nine 』
09| a habit

February 12th;
I hate that I feel this way. It's more than a simple knot in the stomach, it feels like my intestines are being hung out to dry only to be drowned and squeezed again.
I can't lie and say that it isn't eating away at me, truth be told, Dean's words had gotten to me. Or in the least made me think.

"What are you doing, honey?" mom's sudden presence in my doorway forced me to slam the journal shut on my own fingers.

I concealed my wince of pain with a quick toothy smile, "Nothing, why? What's up?"

Mom glanced at the doorway as if it were fuelling her mind with thoughts and topics of conversation. She always knew what to say to make me feel better. It was only a matter of minutes before she sussed me out in order to dish out her warm advice. "There's a boy downstairs."

"Tell him to go away, you already have a husband." I shrugged it off, a newly trialed coping mechanism to ward off the heart attack throbbing in my chest.

"I already did," she frowned, then shrugged knowingly. "What's wrong baby?"

I rolled onto my back, not knowing how to articulate my feelings to my mom. "I think a boy is playing with my feelings."

Mom decided to roll into my bed and hug me from the side, just her touch was enough to calm me, "Why would he do that?"

"I don't know," I buried my head into her shoulder, "But it's upsetting me and I don't want it to."

The sweet smell of the woman I had idolised since my memories could process caressed my senses. It never occurred to me that somebody could look at my mother without the tiniest amount of love in their eyes; but they'd never see her as the goddess I do.

She smoothed her hand over my arm, gently rubbing my skin to comfort me in ways only a mother could. "You don't get to decide how you feel, only how you react to your feelings."

"I'm a teenager, my reactions are irrational most of the time." being on the verge of sobbing and laughing was not a good look for me.

"If you don't want to feel upset, don't act upset." mom planted a soft kiss on my forehead. "The only thing the boy can see is your reactions. Not what's in your heart."

I didn't respond. I didn't have to. She just held me in her arms as if I were still a new born discovering everything for the first time. The whole world in front of and ahead of me.

Then I wondered what had happened to the boy. "Mom, is he still at the door?"

A deep laugh arose from mom's throat, "No, of course not. I told him you were sick. What do you take me for?"

"My rock." was all I replied to a rhetorical question.

-

Stars Hollow at night looked like a postcard from the view of my bedroom window. My window acted as the border of the picture, the town picturesque and silent as if it were a photograph.

Tucked away in my covers, I felt safe. Not that I was scared of irrational things such as monsters under my bed or things lurking in the dark. But I felt as though I could never get hurt in my bed. It was my safe place.

Ring ring

At first I just stared at the phone disturbing my tranquil thoughts, then I thought about who it could be this late into the night.

So I picked it up.

"Hello...?"

Jess' voice struck a heart chord which I couldn't bring myself to play. The melody was too sore in my memory, leaving me to just listen to the sound of him breathing; awaiting a reply that didn't have the courage to come out.

"Teddy, I know you're listening."

I was, listening that is, but it didn't require me to deliver any type of response.

"It's driving me crazy, you not talking to me. I can't help my mind straying over possibilities that I should never have kissed you because it wasn't what you wanted. I guess I thought today would be different. I just wanted to see that smile. In my mind, what I want for you to do is answer me. But I-"

I didn't plan on giving Jess a hard time, nor did I anticipate the weight of such a heavy heart after picking up the call.

In my heart, I knew I should speak to him. Tell him what was bothering me, but then I would be giving in to Dean by allowing myself to be hurt by Jess' feelings for Rory.

For now, I was afraid of the truth.