Storm Drains (Book II) Pennywise love Fan-Fic

Chapter 15

I thought holding myself would make me sane. I was so naive to think that I was strong enough for both of us.
For both of us to part ways even when it means losing half of me so painfully that it feels physical. How does one come to terms that you simply cannot be as strong as you heart and mind desired to. And then I wonder, did my heart even want that?

Did I even want that?

I never realized how cold my room really was when my heart was in the absence. Walking around touching the walls and old faded posters wasn't enough to make me feel present. I tried to lay down on soft bed sheets that seemed to fight at my skin and fresh air felt like I couldn't breathe and even looking at the cute garden that my neighbors watered every morning didn't grasp my curiosity no more. Even that garden felt like it was being better taken care of than me.

I couldn't even take care of myself .

How is that fair? Feeling like I'm drowning in the sorrow I laid myself in. Life couldn't get worse for me even if I tried. I was able to fold 3 week old laundry today and I felt so accomplished like I had landed on the moon for the very first time. For gods sake, I had witnessed gruesome murders, deserving or not, I had something happen in my life and now even eating a complete meal is an accomplishment. I'm afraid these lights in me might be more than a physical presence, I am afraid they can be somewhat emotionally draining. That would be perfect to top it all off.

I opened my window slowly, the rain beginning to fall as the night settled in once again. At this point I had lost count of how many restless nights I had spent wandering my grey room. It's like I was tracing all the shaped in my room, the edge of my study table and the parallel lines on my wooden floor, trying to find meaning from the sensation under my fingertips. I wondered what he was doing. Who had encountered him and who was to come. I wondered if he wandered the empty streets of this little town too, finally questioning the true meaning behind his presence on earth or maybe I was giving it too much thought and this creature I claimed to love was not capable of the type of love I offered and desired. I knew I had put myself in the position and I was the one who took the initial decision of breaking away from this bond we gave life to and nurtured but deep down I know there was a part of me that so deeply wanted him to show up at any given time and make me realize how much I truly needed him, but his absence only seemed like evidence that it's best for me to part ways.

I sat near my windowsill looking out into the dark as rain continued to pour on this little town. I don't know what exactly I was looking for but a set of blue eyes and carnival hair wouldn't ruin my night and I knew I wouldn't mind encountering those curious features once again.

The town seemed eerily quiet but I couldn't blame her, the rain might have been the only break she had had for a while and just like her, I also felt emotionally exhausted and somehow that was worst than being physical exhausted all those times with Penny. Passionate moments and the ones I couldn't find my balance after.

I didn't know how long I was staring out into the night but it felt like it was going in slow motion or as if I was underwater for quite some time. I laid my back against the muted wall in my room as I hugged my knees towards my chest. I covered my hands in the beige sleeves of my oversized sweater, telling myself the rain would not be enough to make me close my windows, no matter how cold it got. I needed this fresh air even if it felt like it was useless at times.

I don't remember how I came to notice or if my mind had disassociated itself from it but I do remember feeling my body going numb and not feeling the cold of the restless night any longer. Out in the depth that was the path that lead to empty woods that were filled with memories and fossilized emotions was something I thought I'd never see again.

A single red balloon.