Letters to my Ex

Letter 2

Dear ex,

I went to my first party last night since we broke up.

I told myself I would only have a few drinks but I ended up drinking over my limit I had set myself.

You know I'm not very fond of alcohol. I never have been. But sitting on the bar stool in the kitchen of this party, made me see things.

I saw couples making out in darkened corners and I immediately thought back to us. I saw people dancing their worries away and I saw us.

Lately, wherever I go, I somewhat see us. Even if it's the elderly couple who's been arguing for ten minutes straight over what to get.

Everything just seems to be a constant reminder of us. And I felt like burning it all. Everything that reminded me of our relationship, I wanted to tear apart and set it on fire to make it go away.

So while I was at that party, I realised something. Everyone was drunk or high and I wanted to feel like that as well. So I made a new friend.

Vodka.

She was a bitch alright too. Every time I took a swing, she'd burn the back of my throat and set my insides on fire but nothing could hurt more than you letting me go.

I drank the whole night. I swayed my hips to the music and I even kissed a couple of guys.

I'm not saying this to make you jealous, no not all. I'm telling you this because once I kissed the first guy, I ran up stairs to the closest bathroom and slid onto the cold tiles.

I cried.

No, I didn't cry, I bawled my fucking eyes out. You want to know why?

Because that guy wasn't you.

Those lips that attacked mine were nothing like yours when they devoured mine. His hands were rough compared to your gentle ones that used to caress my lower back.

He smelled like sex as well. And I wanted to vomit because the only thing that would comfort me, would be your cologne you wore especially for date nights.

I held up the bathroom line for a good half an hour before I told myself to MOVE ON.

You've moved on right? My so called friends showed me your Snapchat story the other day and you took that ginger to the movies.

I picked myself off the floor with the bottle of vodka that I had as my only companion and I stared at myself in the mirror.

The sight alone just made me want to scream. My make up was destroyed, my lips were swollen and my eyes were puffy and bloodshot.

But I kept telling myself, if you've moved on, so can I. Right?

Wrong.

It was going to take me more than just a week to get over you. Did you know that studies show that girls have a part in their brain that gets them emotionally attached to something quickly, whereas boys, don't and that's why they have trouble falling in love so quick.

The rest of the night I spent it dancing with strangers and drinking. People offered me some party drugs, but I turned them down.

I wasn't that depressed was I?

After that, I couldn't remember anything. I was shit faced. The alcohol had gotten into my bloodstream and I couldn't remember anything.

I remember waking up the next day the sun beaming down into my eyes. I had a terrible headache and I felt like my stomach was going to rip out of me any minute.

Guess you could say that I shouldn't have been drinking.

Then I turned around and saw a body next to me. Naked.

They had the white sheet pulled over their lower half and I smiled to myself, thinking it was you.

But then he moved and turned around to see me and smiled. It wasn't your face. You didn't have a nose and eyebrow piercing. They had dark brown eyes compared to your beautiful blue ones.

I felt sick.

I had gotten so drunk that I had slept with a stranger and I felt like such a whore. I didn't even know this persons name.

Just as I was about to say something to the stranger, I ran out of the bathroom and vomited my guts out.

My head was pounding and I felt tears prick at my eyes. I then looked at myself in the mirror once again and this time I whispered to myself,

"Let him go."