Friends with Benefits (Levi x OC)

Ch. 1: Two Steps Back, One Step Forward

Chapter 1: Two Steps Back, One Step Forward

Year 839

I have always fantasised about a life where I could grow old and build my own life. To have a family that I would love. To have a job that would nurture me and challenge me at the same time. To come home and rest, to put the day's events behind me and be ready for the new one ahead.

I can't live that fantasy. But maybe my ancestors had the luxury of that fantasy life. I envy them dearly when I think about it.
And I try not to think about it.

I've come to accept that I will just never have it. That dream just isnt possible. But it can be for others - in the future. One day, the sun will set and the walls around us won't be there to block the last hours of rich, orange sunlight.
One day, someone will climb a tall hill and see before them endless villages and forests and marshes and fields, all the way to the horizon.

It's sad, I admit, to be yearning for this dream to come true in the current climate of our world. Seemingly endless slaughter, pain and anguish make life seem brief and meaningless. But doesn't everyone want to do something meaningful? To impart something special unto others? To make a difference? To be remembered?

So, I came to the conclusion that, in order for me to work towards my dream, I have to give my heart and soul to those who are trying to change the current climate or our world, the Survey Corps. And if we manage to change the world in my lifetime maybe I can have what my ancestors had.

The people I work with can be lazy and cowardly and they all have their own problems (of course, who wouldn't after the things we've seen and done?) but I love them anyway. I love them, even though I know I shouldn't because I dont want to feel the pain of losing them. It's selfish, I know.

The ratio of titan kills to survivors is high. We haven't made any new discoveries related to the titans or where they come from. People within the walls feel safe, regardless. They feel as though these expeditions are pointless. Some of them are starting to live a life that resembles my own dream. I feel sorry for them because I know first hand that their false sense of security encourages them to do this. And so they create a family and work a job that they like and come home to rest, never urgently worrying for their lives. A grave mistake indeed.

'Good morning everyone. As you know the last trial expedition failed. We suffered a total of 30 deaths as a result of terrible unexpected weather conditions,' Commander Erwin projected his voice so we could all hear him in the recreation room.
'From your squad, Hansa Jürgen, Dean Hermann and Klaus Tennant were killed in battle. Lisa Frank and Paul Andreas are missing in action.' This always put a pit in my stomach. Everyone who was currently preoccupied, had put down their dishes, books, napkins and silently mourned.
'In other news, Levi is the only member of the underground try out team left. He will be integrated into the scouting legion and since your squad has suffered a large loss in numbers, he will be placed here. As usual, well done last week you all contributed massively. Rest well.' Erwin turned and walked out.

Looks like that guy from the underground is going to stay. I only saw him once, he was with those two other guys that died. I didn't know their names, and I never met any of them.
I wonder if people from the underground are as gross and dirty as they say...
I quickly replaced the thought with something less judgemental and demeaning.

After a few hours of chatting in the rec room, I started making my way down the hall way to my room. I walked slowly, the sound of loud chatter and laughter behind me got more and more muffled as I went. I approached Lisa and Hansa's shared dorm room. My fingers slowly wrapped around the cold metal handle and pulled it to the right. I walked inside the room and took in its stillness. The dust was already beginning to accumulate. Particles floating in the air caught the early sunlight. Their empty beds were made and their possessions untouched, left in places expecting to be picked up again. Anytime now, they seemed to say. Before I could linger for too long, I turned back to the door and left.
Its funny, the way this works. The longer you know someone, the more you think, 'one day, one of us will die and all of this will mean nothing,' and even though you know that, you can't help but make attachments. And then they die and you're left to do the same thing all over again. I can't help but find someone else to care about. And when they die I will feel this horrible pain all over again. But if we stopped making attatchments and stopped making friends and loving people, would we still be human? We only gain to lose and nothing lasts forever.

Its come to the point where, when we lose someone we love, deep down we feel unspeakable anger, frustration and sorrow and we leave it there to eventually dwindle. And those of us remaining stick together and laugh on top of all of it. We laugh over the anger and sorrow. We laugh and smile in memory of the ones we lose. I feel it is the only acceptable way to remember my friends nowadays. They wouldn't want us to use the limited time we have wallowing in sorrow.

The long hall came to an end, I was met with my own room's door. It was the fifth one, next to the door to the stairwell. I shared it with my friend, Sarah. I was lucky to be placed with her, all we do is laugh. Its almost like anything can be a joke between us. I seldom meet people with such similar humour. We've only known each other for six months but our friendship is strong, it feels like it's been longer.

I opened the door and entered. Sarah was lounging on her bed, doing apparently nothing. Her legs were crossed and her arm served as a pillow under her head. She's a blonde and has stunning light blue eyes. Her sense of fashion is unmatched (that is, when she's out of uniform) and she always finds a way to get quality goods cheaply. It's an understatement to say I'm grateful for her friendship. I sat on the edge of her bed, hoping maybe she'd say something. But we just sat in silence.

After the day was spent recuperating, we all gathered at the table to eat together for once. Sarah and I joined the group (who were making a massive amount of noise), pulled our chairs and sat down. I waited for the bread to be passed around twice before snatching it. Jacob (a lean guy with a big personality, maybe the most popular in the group) hadn't even sat down or finished serving when Erwin came in and announced that the newcomers were already moving into our comrades' old dorms.

'Of course, it shouldn't take too long so maybe they can join you for dinner.' He added with a smile before leaving. I thought it would be nice for them to come to dinner. We rarely all sit together to eat so it would be a nice way to introduce everyone.

Out of the total three newbies, only two of them came to dinner. They're names are Alexa Spears and Gianne Dietrich. They are young and friendly and made a good impression on us. They made lively conversation, bringing upnews and gossip from the capital. While everyone was talking, I couldn't help but feel curious about that other guy. What's his name again? Levy? Levi? Something like that anyway...
I made a mental note to check on him after dinner and introduce myself. I assumed the girls would take Hansa and Lisa's old room so that meant he would be in one of the other two dorms left by Paul, Dean and Klaus.

Although, at the time I went looking to see which room to knock on, the answer was clear. Paul's door was slightly ajar. I walked right up to it, chest puffed out, shoulders back and knocked on the door three times.

'Uh, hello?' Came a nonchalant if slightly irritated voice.

'It's Alyssa,' I begun, his footsteps coming closer towards the door, 'I'm a scout,' the door swung open,'I wanted to welcome you.'

This wasn't the first time I'd ever seen the guy but I'd be lying if I said he wasn't good looking. I stuck my hand out expecting him to shake it but he didn't move at all. I slowly lowered my arm.

'Er, it's Levi, right? Just wanted to let you know your rations are in the kitchen and that if you need anything, I'm in room number 5. It's just down the hall, next to the door to the stairwell.' He seemed to be waiting for me to say something that would peek his interest.

'Alright, thanks.' He said in the same exact monotonous, bored tone as before. Couldn't say I appreciated it but soon it begun to seem as though that's just the way the dude is.