Arrows and Bullets | McHanzo Oneshots

Touchy Subject

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF RAPE, EMOTIONAL ABUSE (SELF-BLAME) AND SELF-LOATHING.

Suggested by fanta26m.

•~•

Hanzo was nervous. No, scratch that, he was terrified. He and Jesse had been together for eight months, and tonight they were finally going to do it. Yes, it. The Shimada was worried, as most would be their first time, but it wasn't a normal kind of worry. It was a panic, a fear, a feeling of dread and faint disgust and distant memories that made him want to take a cold shower. He flinched at the slightest noise, his eyes widened at anything that moved, and he kept freezing like a deer in headlights. His actions didn't go unnoticed.

"Han?"

He tensed up, knowing who it was but still fearful. "Yes, McCree?"

"You... Alright?" The sound of spurs echoed in the room. A metallic hand rested on the Archer's shoulder, and he flinched violently. The southerner pulled back, surprised.

"Sorry, sorry, it's not you." The Asian had tears prickling at his eyes. "It's just..." His gaze flicked to the open door. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you..."

Getting the hint, the brunet shut the door. When he turned back around, Hanzo was sitting at the kitchen table with his head down. With a sympathetic look on his face, he took a seat across from him. "What's wrong, darlin'?"

"It's..." A loud sigh escaped the ravenet's lips as he glanced up. "It's about our plan for tonight."

Jesse's eyes softened. "Oh, hon, if you're not ready-"

"I'm ready," he cuts off quickly. "This is just... Very, very important to me, and I need you to know why before we go through with it."

The cowboy furrowed his brows in confusion, but nodded. "I hear ya..."

The Japanese man nodded along. "Okay..." He lets out a slow, shaky breath, his voice unsteady. "I'm not a virgin."

An eyebrow raised. "Alright-"

"But my virginity was not given willingly."

The room fell quiet, with regret, pain and sympathy hanging in the air. After a moment, McCree murmured, "Oh... I'm so sorry, honeybee."

"Do not apologize," the Shimada said dully. "There was no way you could've known. Besides, he is long gone now. My father did not take his crime lightly, and his clan suffered mercilessly for it."

Again, silence. In a small, hushed voice, the gunslinger murmured, "Want t' talk about it?"

"What's there to talk about?" The archer laughed drily. Then, more seriously, he continued. "March 28, 2048. I was sixteen, he was seventeen. We were on a business trip, and he wanted to show me something in the back. He raped me, I told my father, and that asshole got to watch everything he loved turn to ashes. It's that simply, really."

"I doubt that," the southerner mumbled, taking his hat off. "But you clearly have somethin' else t' say. Talk to me, Hanzo, please. I'm here for you."

Tears had started welling up in the Asian's eyes again. "It was my fault..." His head hit the table and sobs erupted from him. Panicked, McCree reached out and rested his hand on top of the other's. "What're ya talkin' about, sugar?"

He sniffles and shifted, making the bun in his hair slump forward. "If I hadn't of led him on..."

"Y'didn't know, Han! There was no way you could've known what he was plannin'."

"Yes, I could have!" His head shot up, red and puffy eyes staring the brunet down. "If I would've seen the signs and done something about it-"

"He still probably would've raped you," Jesse mumbled remorsefully. "But look at ya now. It's been years since that happened and you're still here. You're still here, darlin'. Some people wouldn't of made it after somethin' like that." He intertwined their fingers together. "Han, you're stronger than anyone I've ever known. And I'm not gonna let one the ghosts of yer past control ya like this."

The cowboy leaned in and rested their foreheads together. "I love ya, alright? I'm not gonna do what he did and force ya into anythin', especially somethin' that brings up bad memories."

A kiss was pressed to the ravenet's temple. "We can do it on your time, alright?"

Hanzo nodded, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hand. "Okay..." he murmured, letting out a shaky breath. After a moment, his breathing steadied and he calmed down. His arms found their way around McCree's neck. Against the southerner's lips he whispered, "My time, so to say, is now."