To Whom it May Concern

To Whom it May Concern: Words? I guess

You know... I was doing so good... I thought I didn't need to write here again, I thought of this book but I didn't think I needed it. But there's always ONE person that always need to fuck that up. It's February 9, 2019, I've been having stomach pains since January 1, 2019. We've been talking lab results and all cane out negative, which is good but I still want to know what's wrong with me I guess.

I lost a friend but I honestly don't care, she was toxic. She was the one who believed, the person she was arguing with, that I was talking shit behind her back. She called me a piece of shit, but you know what? That was her second chance, I don't need a toxic person in my life. I just need one who will always be there for me and I have that friend already that's not going to be replaced any time soon. I just need to hope that she's willing to stay with all my physical, mental, and/or health problems. I guess what really upset me was that I was always there for her and tried to make her feel better about herself, but at the end, she just assumed that I was talking shit. I didn't even want to be in the problem, I wanted to be both their friends and one said "I'll keep you out." And the other said the same, but she brought me in anyways when I repeatedly said, I did not want to be in this. I didn't want to choose sides.

But I should really say why I came back to write here... so I have for brothers, I'll just say their first initial, C, A, V, and S. I'm the only girl... V is the quiet middle child. We don't have problems and I'm okay with that, I'm glad we aren't always fighting. S is the youngest, I guess you would say, the spoilest. He always asks for hugs and he's taller than me, him 14 and I'm 17. He has his dad's height genes. But I don't mind giving him a hug, he just BEAR hugs me and practically towers over me that I feel uncomfortable that I don't want anymore hugs from him. A is the second oldest, he isn't perfect, he acts like he's my dad so I don't listen sometimes. But he's been there when I've been getting bullied and "Beating up" kids when they've done something. (Just I guess a shove and yelling at them) He went to a small academy but I didn't get in so went to a different high school, which he switched to keep an eye on me. I guess he a decent a good brother.. but siblings fight all the time right..?

The real reason I wrote here is because of my oldest brother, C... There's... So much to say about him... He's supposed to be taking anger management classes but either he's not going or it's not working. But he's the one that upsets me the most I guess... He's supposed to be the older brother, the more mature one. Hell, he has a kid and my brothers or me are watching him all the time. Recently, I haven't been able to do it because I've been sick and he still wants me to do it, he's saying all the "sick and pain" is all in my head. I don't fucking want this, this shit hurts, WHY would I even fake this??? I don't know how to describe C... he's pushed me into my dresser, locked me in my room and wouldn't let me out (that's one fear that added to my fears), he's trapped me in the corner and grabbed my wrists. He... Truly scares me... And I guess I'm the baby because when C explains to mum his side, she doesn't listen to mine and she gets mad at me. There's a small green belt area near my house and I walk there to escape from him, usually after a fight. He's gotten in my face. C is 24 now and I'm still 17. He STILL lives with us, his girlfriend, her son, then his son lives with us too. And his girlfriend is nice, she's the only girlfriend that actually wanted to do stuff with me, take me shopping, but me something. His exes never done that. I guess what really triggered me today was C of course, I'm the only girl so I have my own bathroom, the boys have to share one. He comes in saying he has to use my bathroom and he went straight for my bathroom, which I don't mind. I don't care if he uses my bathroom. Just what he did was when he came out, he just stared at me and started kicking my stuff. And the first time I say "don't kick my stuff please." And he looked, I guess offended? And started kicking my stuff more. And that time I yelled at him not to kick my stuff. I said it nicely the first time, I shouldn't have needed to say it the second time. Then HE gets pissed off at me, saying it's just paper and I didn't have to yell. I asked him to leave my room. He says "fine, I'm just letting you know I hate you. I really do hate you." And I shouldn't be upset since he says it a lot and I should get used to it. But I'm so tired of hearing hate coming out of his mouth towards me. He always threatens I can't see my only baby nephew and of course that upsets me. I just want him to move out already... I'm tired of hearing that my own brother doesn't love me. I haven't really left my room all day and it's only 10:56. I'm sick in bed and no one realizes HOW sick am I except my friend and my mum. I guess it's just frustrating. I've been trying to see a therapist but that hasn't happened yet...

I guess we'll see...