To Whom it May Concern

To Whom it May Concern: Untitled

I really don't know how to start this out... I mean, I shouldn't have the feeling of wanting to run away.  This whole part is going to be all over the place. First, I should be comfortable in my damn house. I don't need my 23-year-old to be my dad and act like he's the shit. Yet, he has two kids and a girlfriend that has NOT moved in yet damn it. A lot of shit is going on right now... Someone is stealing from my mum who has a fucking liver problem, probably my 23yr brother or my 19yr brother. I guess one subject at a time...

My 23yr brother threw a huge ass fit about dishes last night. So let me explain my side here since no one at home listens to me. I was playing fortnite (yea ew) with my two friends. Ofc they had to carry me the whole game but hey, I was the last man standing... Then I died. But anyways... He came in the middle of a game, and for those who don't know, you can't pause it since it's a live game. He asked if I could put away the dishes so I'm like: yea after this game, I can't pause it since it's live. But then he got allllll pissy and goes No you had all day, put it away right now. So I argued back for him to just wait and it wasn't even my chore, it was my little brothers. But he gets mad and said that since he washed the dishes when it was my chore, I should put them away. But the fucking point is that he should've been patient with me instead of saying to just stop everything and do it. What fucking sucks is that my two friends heard the conversation. And every time I play fortnite with them, he and I somehow get in an argument and they always hear it. The problem with him is that he never apologizes... Then he goes calling me a bitch or stupid. Fuck and everyone says I should be happy since I have a lot of stuff but even if I do, he fucking ruins my happiness somehow. Ever since last night, he's been bringing it up again and ruins my whole fucking day... This is why I want to move out asap.

Then my mum... I guess that's the most frustrating because she is my mum... I can't argue back, I can't say what I want to do, I have to do what she wants. I can't even say my opinion to her... And she wonders why I don't talk to her about things... I don't want to go to a Christian retreat because I'm going through treatments and because I didn't like the last one because I was forced to go and I was sick! Even though she wants me closer to God, she shouldn't force it. The retreat is supposed to be a place where you feel comfortable... And I DON'T feel comfortable. The last retreat, I threw up before we left, when I arrived, I wanted to cry. Damn, I didn't know anyone there except family members but that's not the same. I'm really introverted and my mum doesn't realize that. I don't like big parties, I don't like a lot of people around me, it makes me REALLY anxious and panics me a lot. I mean, aren't we supposed to get closer to God on our own? Because if it's forced, it doesn't really count... It's not like she cares about my opinion or anything. If I try to tell her I don't want to go, she says I'm going anyways and stop being emotional.

Fucking emotions... That gets in the way of EVERYTHING! I can't express my opinions anymore because I get emotional over it and they just assume it's because I don't want to. "Oh stop being a baby." "Stop crying." Depression runs in my family... And I'm not self-diagnosing myself, but talking to my therapists and just from family background history, there is a 50/50 chance that I could have depression. But who fucking knows? Maybe I'm just faking it like everyone thinks I always do. Like my stomach problem, apparently, the doctor says my colon was clogged for years and January I just noticed it. But nope, every fucking one thought I was faking it to get out of school because they're fucking assholes and don't think of my health and just my "personal benefits." I can't do anything in this house without people think I'm faking things... And that's just sad... I'm your only fucking sister and you think I want it for attention? I don't say anything to them. I just rant here, where I know they won't find it.

It's only Wednesday and this week is the worst... It's just really depressing and shitty... I don't know, I cried maybe five times this week? I just want to be 18 already... So I can just move out, right now, please. Home is supposed to be a place where you feel most comfortable. And now, to me, my "home" just feels like a place to live so I don't die outside... And that's just really sad to me... I just want one day of happiness. Like, a full on day. Because an afternoon doesn't count. I don't want my brother to fuck it up last minute.

But I'm going to try and have a good day tomorrow and pray he doesn't fuck up my day. Gonna maybe get some ice cream, buy gifts, play video games. I just need to remember to try and stay calm... I'll be fine... Hopefully...