To Whom it May Concern

It's been a while...

Hi... I'm still here... A lot of things changed.. I'm going to be 19 tomorrow.. I've got a job recently. But why have things changed between us...? I miss you.. I still love you. I still care about you.. You're still my sister. I try to be there for you, you say I don't. But you've been the only person I've been close to. No one has reached that level of you. My promise is still kept, I'm your best friend, hopefully, and you're mine. People say that I'm their best friend but that doesn't mean they're mine.

A lot of things changed within our friend group.. Well I think things changed.. I annoy you guys more than usual. I always hated bothering you guys.. I never liked inviting myself to things but I still like to be there. I might not talk but just hearing you guys talk is nice to me. Mum gets mad that I'm on all the time and although I sometimes not play, being in the party is nice just to hear your voices. Your small stories and cringy jokes..

I know I'm not the bestest friend... And I don't remember a lot of things... Sometimes I just need a reminder, a refresher.. And you do too, and here is your reminder: I love you; you're still my sister; I'm still here; I'm here to listen; I forget things, that doesn't mean I don't care or don't pay attention; you're constantly on my mind; I worry about you all the time. You say gifts won't fix things, but either way I want to fix things.. I feel like this pandemic has pushed us farther from each other.. I don't want that.. I'm scared of losing you. And even though I have other friends, it's not the same. You're special to me. I've lost friends before but if I lose you, that's a heartbreak. I even got worried when you hanged out with Zach, or Michael. I never liked being alone...

I miss you, I miss us and how we did stupid things and laughed at it. I miss us playing Mario Kart at 2am and getting yelled at. I even miss our hearts... Our friends never understood why we did that... I don't know if you had a reason bit it just reminded me that you're there... I know if I got left on read that you're upset at me or something happened or you got busy... Either way I still get worried for what ever the reason is.. This fucking note is all over the place.. I don't want things to be weird tomorrow.. I know you're not looking forward it.. I'm a bit surprised you still wanted to go.. I know you haven't been okay lately... And I don't want to force you to come over if you don't want to. I always want you to come over.. I even miss you spending the night. No, not because I kick you off the bed, because those late night talks are different. Those cuddles mean something to me.

I've kept everything you gave me... Your notes and birthday cards, by my bed. Your beauty and the beast rose, by my bed. Your bear with rose petals from Valentine's, on my desk. Those Harry Potter test tubes, on my desk. That small snowflake bucket, in my bathroom. I have everything... I have your promise ring on, our friendship bracelets on. I keep your picture in my wallet.. I try to tell you everything but tbh, it's not fair to you because you don't share either... I want you to be comfortable with sharing with me. I never wanted to force you into that.. I hate bothering you with my problems. It makes me sound like a brat. You've been so selfless and I've been selfish.. You tell me to show it instead of telling you... Trust me, I've been trying... I've tried to talk with you instead of those black hearts... I get nervous when I do send one... You haven't sent one back in a while...

I know I've been jumping topic to topic, fuck I'm confusing... I do care... I ask you what's wrong. I can tell when you text different. When you're quiet during chat. I ask you if you eat, and i hope you eat when I tell you to.. Tbh, it's 2pm and I haven't eaten, I know "what a hypocrite" I know I am.. And I want to try and change that..

Just... Know that I miss you... I love you.. You're my sister and I hope we can keep it that way.. Please.. Please tell me when I fuck up... And how I did, I don't want to do it again. I want to be a better person. I don't even know if I'm a good friend. I sure do hell know that I'm annoying and clingy as fuck. I'm here for you though. We'll always be together.