Unlikely Lovers

42: Evan

Evan sat at the end of his bed shaking.

"No." He said to himself, "This can't be happening this can't be happening." Evan hugged his knees as he rocked, tears streaming down his face. This was it. The storm. He knew it was coming, he knew there was something, but he knew too late. No matter how hard he tried no matter how many times Evan told him, Connor didn't believe that Evan would take care of him. Would be there for him. Would always love him unconditionally no matter what the circumstance. Evan sobbed, heaving as he tried to catch a breath. Did Connor not trust him? Evan had felt so anxious the past couple of days. He asked Zoe is she knew anything about Connor but she just said he refused to come out of his room, that he had phases like that. He asked Jared and Alana if they had heard from him but they just shook their heads. He even went and asked Rich from the musical if he had heard anything but he was just pissed off.

"Fucking Connor, he hasn't returned any messages or calls and he's already missed four rehearsals." Evan remembered feeling so relived to see Connor's number ringing on his phone. Now he'd give anything, anything at all to have not received that call. Because at least he could keep guessing at what was wrong. But now he knew. It was him. He was what was wrong. Because Connor seemed to think that there was a possibility that Evan might not love him and that was his fault. Either Evan didn't tell him enough or he didn't see Connor enough or he missed something he shouldn't have missed. And it was killing him, he just wanted to fix it, he just wanted to make it better. Evan just wanted to make Connor stop hurting so that he would stop hurting. Evan found it became harder and harder to breathe, he felt like his lungs were going to collapse. His head was pounding and his vision went blurry. He felt like he was choking on his own tears. He hated himself. He hated himself so fucking much that he just wanted to die. If only he could move, to grab something, to throw himself off something because anything would hurt less than this. All Evan could do was sit in a ball rocking himself as he hit himself as hard as he could. He couldn't see anything else, he couldn't hear anything else. He didn't hear his mother come in through the front door, or her footsteps to his room, or her scream as she dropped to the ground. Evan couldn't feel his mother's arms around him as she tried to calm him down. Slowly Evan started to wake up. He could hear his mum's voice, whispering to him softly as she rocked him in her arms. And suddenly he could breathe again. He closed his eyes as his mother soothed him, as the tears dried. He sat up and stared at the floor, his whole body shaken.

"Hey honey, are you alright now?" Evan just nodded. "What happened?" Evan looked up at his mum, only now did her notice she had been crying. "You haven't had a panic attack like that in quite some time did?" Evan sighed.

"Connor left me mum. He said it was too hard for him and he left me." Evan closed his eyes and let the tears fall as his mother hugged him tight.

"Oh honey I'm sorry, the first one always hurts the most, i know that." She smiled sadly down at the bundle in her arms. "I wish i could say it gets easier, but i can't. But I can tell you this, right now, all of this seems so big and overwhelming and it feels like its the end of the world." Evan turned to face his mum, "But over time, over lots and lots of time this pain will heal. It will honey. And one day, many years from now you'll ok back at this moment, and it will feel small." Evan shook his head.

"No it won't mum, it won't." He curled himself into a ball as he sobbed into his khakis. His mother just hugged him tightly.

"It will, i promise honey it will and i you it doesn't feel like it but this will pass." Evan just shook his head as his mother rocked him. Evan's mum wasn't wrong about many things, not many at all but she was wrong about this. Evan knew it. And he would prove it.

...

The next day Evan went to school, went about his normal routine trying to forget Connor ever existed. Which was absolutely impossible but he tried regardless. At lunch Evan just sat there staring at the table, not moving, not eating. Just sitting there. He could see Alana's and Jared's concerned looks but he couldn't be bothered to explain himself. He just sat there like a zombie. He looked up as Jared tapped his shoulder.

"Hey man, you alright?" Evan shook his head slowly, staring at the one spot on the table. Alana frowned.

"What is it Evan? Did something happen?" Evan sighed, not removing his eyes from that one spot.

"Connor left me. Says that the relationship thing was too hard for him and he couldn't bear to see me move on with someone else. So he left." There was silence for a while.

"That's fucked up. That is so fucking fucked up." Jared was shaking his head angrily. 

"Evan i'm so sorry." Alana rubbed the side of Evan's shoulder, supposedly to comfort him. Evan just nodded, he felt to empty to say or do anything else.