Unlikely Lovers

45: Connor

Connor had barely existed for the past weeks. He absent-mindedly went through his routines, getting ready for school, going to classes and whatnot. He was doing everything fine, he was handing in his essays on time but he just felt empty. Like he was running on autopilot, nothing felt new or exciting anymore. The world had gone grey without Evan, and he hated it. But every time he went to pick up the phone or walk over to Evan he stopped himself. It was the right thing to do, Evan didn't deserve someone like him anyway. Evan had greater things in life to live for, Connor knew that, he accepted it. He went to rehearsals pretty much daily, and they were the only times Connor every felt something. It wasn't quite joy, or anything close to happiness but it was like a little spark lit up in arm when he performed. It helped him, not much but enough to take the edge off his sorrows, to distract him from feeling the hurt and the grief that came from missing that man he loved.

The absence of feeling, it was indeed the absence of pain and sadness and anguish. But it was also the absence of anything that made life worth living.

But then Connor walked down the hall that morning, seeing Rich looming over Evan's curled body. It was the first time Connor really felt something. Pure anger, but not just that. See it was the anger that sparked everything else. As he threw Rich against the wall that anger unlocked something Connor had buried away in the past weeks, emotion and feeling in general. He could feel the tears burning in his eyes as he saw Evan laying on his ground completely vulnerable, how Connor's heart broke when he walked over to see that innocent face staring up at him. And how Connor felt as he helped Evan to his feet, how in a moment he saw all flashes of memories, of all the time they had spent together. Admittedly it was too much for Connor, too much at all once. He spent most of the morning in a daze, as if he was dreaming and hadn't woken up yet, still trying to figure out the fiction from reality.

By the time it came to lunch Connor didn't bother going to the cafeteria, there was no way in hell he would be sitting with Rich again after what happened. The first performance was in two days, he could rehearse by himself. Connor knew he had the whole part off by heart, he could recite the entire thing in his sleep if he wanted to. No, instead Connor went to the only place he truely felt comfortable. Where it all began really. The old building behind the school, it was the only place he could get some quiet. Well from other people, not his own head but that was what the drugs were for. He turned a right and stopped dead as he found someone laying on the grass. His eyes became pricked with tears as he saw Evan Hansen laying on his bag, he appeared to be asleep. Connor stood there for a moment. He wanted to walk over, to hold him, to kiss him. The urge was too much. Seeing Evan there really struck something in Connor.

He grabbed his stuff and darted home. He unlocked the door and was relieved to find the house empty. He ran up to his room, threw himself on his bed and cried. He cried as hard as he could, struggling to breathe. Suddenly Connor just felt everything give way, and he felt so tired. He spotted a wooden box on his bookshelf. He took it out and opened it up. He forget what it was. He shifted through all the photos of him and Evan that he had given Connor. He felt the tears fall but he didn't care to wipe them away. He frowned out the pictures of him smiling, Connor didn't realise just how happy he had been until then. And he had been happy, he'd been invincible. The world had felt bright and limitless, full of opportunity. Now it just felt blank and empty, like an endless void. Connor put the photos down and went into the bathroom. He sat himself in the bath fully clothed and turned the shower on. Connor didn't even flinch as the cold water gushed over him. He just sat there, staring into nothingness. He grabbed his earphones and pressed play on his phone. The music flooded his ears. He wanted to scream when he realised what song was playing.

You sit there in your heartache

Waiting on some beautiful boy to

Save you from your old ways

Out of every song on his playlist it had to be that one. Connor felt his eyes burned as the lyrics filled his brain. The whole thing seemed so ironic, Connor would have laughed had he not felt so depressed. Because it was true. There he sat, his heart aching, thinking about the boy who saved him. Who made him better, who made him happy. And Connor threw it all away. Connor turned the volume up as loud as he could, his head physically hurt and he felt like his ears were going to burst. But he didn't care. He just clutched his knees and the words washed over him. Numbed him. Numbed him completely. He didn't feel the cold water against his skin. He didn't feel himself pick up a sharp object from the drawer. He didn't feel the razor bite as his skin as he ran it across his forearm. Over and over and over again. He didn't feel a thing. He was lost in the memories of the man he loved. He closed his eyes, recalling every detail of Evan's face, of his smile and his laugh. He recalled every minute they spent together, every smile they shared and every tear they shed. He sat there smiling as the hot tears spilled from his face and down the drain, like everything good he ever had.

He didn't realise the door had opened. That someone had noticed he left school, and followed him home, and ran up the stairs yelling. Zoe Murphy burst in, her face full of terror as she saw her brother in the bath. Connor barely noticed as she turned the tap off and pulled the headphones from his ears.

"CONNOR WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" She screamed. Connor just looked up at her.

"I'm sorry." He said weakly. Zoe shook her head as she wiped the tears from her face.

"Okay just- what do i do?" Zoe ended up cleaning up the wound as best she could before bandaging it up. Connor lay on his bed, in a fresh set of clothes. He didn't move as the tears fell onto his pillow. Zoe sat beside him. "You're scaring me Connor. This isn't you." Connor sighed.

"I miss him Zoe. More than anything, more than life." Zoe nodded and she hugged her brother, who didn't hug back but Zoe didn't mind.

"Just don't think of leaving okay?" Connor nodded slowly. He knew what she meant, don't kill yourself. Even though it hurts like hell don't take the easy route. It sounded familiar.