living a lie | park jisung

10 years old

Maybe that was when he first realized it, how different he was. But he just thought he didn't get crushes easily at that time. Little did he know, he had a crush on his friend Seongbin. But back then he just thought he had an appreciation for him, he was cool and had every girl in their grade wrapped around his finger. He didn't even know it was possible for him to like the same gender. Nobody talked about it.

But then Jisung became a trainee at SM. He's eleven years old and doesn't talk to any of his old friends anymore. It was alright, he made new ones. He's too focused on his dancing anyways to be upset over drifting from his old friends.

He has a new friend, a boy who likes to go by Jackson. He's been over his house a few times. Jackson was very good at singing, Jisung liked listening to him. They were in his room at the moment playing video games. Jackson said he had something special to show Jisung, so Jisung was excited.

"Why can't you show it to me right now?"Jisung complained, eyes glued to the screen. "Because my dads still home, he's leaving like in ten minutes so chill out." Jackson replied, soon beating Jisung at the game. "TOLD YOU ID BEAT YOU BITC-" Jackson gasped and put a hand over his mouth. Jisung mouth hung open before both the boys started giggling.

"I can't believe you just almost swore in front of your Dad." Jisung whispered. "He would kill me if he heard that." Jackson whispered back laughing. Jisung rarely swore, but when he did he felt an adrenaline knowing how mad his Mom and Dad would be hearing it.

They heard the door open and saw Jackson's Dad coming in. "Alright boys, I'm gonna be out for an hour, behave yourselves alright?"

"Yes."
"Yes Dad."

"Okay bye!" he said before shutting the door. Both the boys waited excitedly to hear the door shut. Jackson quickly ran to his computer and got a chair for Jisung to sit in. "I was on my dads computer because I was working on a school project because his works faster, mine pretty much sucks. But when I looked in the search history I saw porn sites. I've heard about it before but never watched any. But I did and Jisung, it's weird— but cool." his voice came out in a whisper, scared he could get in trouble even though Jisung was the only one in the house. "Porn?!"Jisung shouted shocked.

He's obviously heard of it. It's videos of people doing...weird stuff. "Shhh!" Jackson clasped a hand over Jisung mouth. Jisung licked it out of reflex. Jackson rubbed his hand on his shirt while shouting ew, Jisung just laughed.

"Don't you wanna watch it? I bet you've never even seen a girls boobs. The older trainees talk about boobs all the time. Some of them have even had sex!"

Jisung did kind of want to watch it. Just to see what it was like. All the other boys talked about it, they seemed to like watching porn. Jackson seemed to enjoy it enough to show him. Yeah, Jisung was intrigued.

"Yeah okay i'll watch it."Jisung said and Jackson yelled in excitement. Jisung sat in the chair next to his friend and waited for him to look up the site. "What if your dad goes through the search history though?" Jisung asked worried. He didn't want him and his friend to get in trouble.

"Well i'm on incognito mode there's no way he could find out." Jackson said with a smirk. Jisung just nodded. The website came up and Jisung was just hit with a bunch of naked bodies. "Oh my god!" Jisung screeched covering his eyes and spinning the chair around. "Haha you're so cute Jisung, you gotta chill out." Jackson said laughing. Jisung blushed when he heard Jackson call him cute.

Jackson pulled his hands from his eyes and Jisung slowly opened them. He feels like this was bad, to watch this kind of stuff. His parents would kill him. "Which one should we watch?" Jackson asked. "I don't really care you can pick."

"I'll pick one with a hot girl." Jackson said and put into the search bar 'Hot girl'. Many came up and Jackson picked one he liked. "The girl has big boobs so let's watch this one." Jackson said before he clicked on it. It started off with a girl and a guy kissing. Jisung obviously was used to that. But he's never seen people make out, which is what the guy and girl on screen were doing now.

They didn't seem to be old, just in their twenties. "I don't get how you can kiss like that, what's so nice about feeling up other peoples tongues." Jisung said, the disgust in his voice pretty obvious. Jackson just laughed before saying "I once walked in on my sister and her boyfriend making out, it scarred me for life dude."

Jisung burst out laughing thinking about how awkward it must've been. But suddenly the guy took his shirt off, and started slowly taking off the girls. Jisung watched Jackson's eyes stuck on the girl, looking at the her exposed body. But Jisung couldn't take his eyes off the guy. The way he had his hand on the back of the girls neck, how tan his skin was and his abs. Goosebumps formed on his skin as the video kept playing.

He couldn't get a single word out, his eyes being stuck on the guy. Jackson kept making comments about the girl. But Jisung wasn't listening to him. How could he not say anything about the guy? The guy was beautiful to Jisung. But some feeling in his gut made him not say anything about the man in the porn video. But he didn't want to watch it anymore when the guy started pulling down his underwear.

"Okay ewww I don't wanna watch it anymore." Jisung said while pausing it. "Why?" Jackson asked. "The guy made me feel weird." Jisung said, Jackson misunderstood what he meant. "Well that's why you have to look at the girl. I can't look at the guy it ruins the video for me." Jackson explained while laughing. Jisung felt a little confused. Ruins? The guy was what he enjoyed about the video. He just didn't want to see them naked.

He felt weird, so he was supposed to like the girl, not the guy? "Yeah I was, but then the guy started taking his underwear off and I got grossed out." Jisung explained, half lying. His mom came to pick him up an hour later, Jisung was quiet the entire car ride home.

It was a couple months later and he was in school. He still talked to Jackson sometimes, but they drifted apart. But that was normal. Jisung didn't like thinking about that day. He felt like a freak that night, like something was wrong with him. He tried not to think much of it though, he did ask to stop the video because he didn't want to see the guy naked. So that proves that he didn't enjoy the video because of the guy, right?