living a lie | park jisung

14 years old

Jisung is now part of Nct dream, and they knew what their debut song was gonna be. It was called chewing gum, and it had a very child like sound to it. Jisung wasn't very into the vibe, but he didn't care. He was just excited to finally debut. But it was hard, and he was nervous. They were the last unit to debut, so they all had to make sure to work hard.

But the stress was getting to Jisung. He was the center for a lot of the dance. So everything had to be perfect. There was this one part where he couldn't get the moves right. He kept tripping up and then he was late. And he couldn't fix it. He replayed the song again. He tried dancing to the part again. He was almost at the end and everything was going well, so a smile was creeping up on his face.

But then he didn't do the next move fast enough, and everything after was late. He groaned in frustration and paused the song. He felt like crying but he didn't want to act like a baby. Why couldn't he get the move right? He's supposed to be the main dancer, but he can't even get this stupid move down.

He's a burden to the whole group right now. Jisung just now started to notice the familiar racing of his heart, how he couldn't breathe, everything was spinning.

Oh god. No please this can't be happening right now.

Jisung slid down the wall and tried to calm down. He didn't want to have a panic attack. He hasn't had one in years, why is it just happening now?

No no no no-

Jisung tried to slow his breathing down, do what Mrs.Kim taught him before. He took a deep breath in and counted, then let it out. But it wasn't working. Then he had someone to focus on, somebody else was talking and holding him and he just felt safe.

Now he has no one, he's all alone. He has to calm down himself and Jisung can't do it. Jisung starts crying and now he really feels like a baby. Why couldn't he just be normal? He can't get a simple dance move right and now he's having a panic attack.

I don't belong in this band.

Jisung has completely forgotten about taking deep breaths and counting them out. Now he's back to square one. Gasping out for air in between sobs.

"Jisung?"

Jisung turns his head to the door and sees Chenle standing there, a worried look on his face. He comes running over and sits in front of Jisung. "What's wrong?" Chenle asks, lifting Jisungs face to him. Jisung tried to turn away. He didn't want Chenle to see him like this, he looks weak and pathetic. "I'm h-having a panic a-attack over just not b-being able to get a-a s-stupid move r-right. It's pathetic." Jisung sobbed out, and tried to gasp for air.

"It's not pathetic Sungie. We can work on the move together tomorrow it's all gonna be okay. Just focus on my breathing alright?"

Jisung tried focusing on Chenle's breathing, following when he took in a breathe and let it out. It was hard.

"I can't-"

"Yes you can, you can do it." Chenle said with a smile, holding Jisung's hands in his. After 5 minutes the panic attack went away. "Are you okay now?" Chenle asked, Jisung nodded. Jisung tried to get up, but was stopped from the arms that wrapped around him. "If you have one again just text me, i'll help you. You don't have to be embarrassed of it." He says into Jisung's shoulder.

Jisung feels tears falling on his shoulder.

Is he crying?

Jisung pulls away and sees Chenle with tears falling down his cheeks. Chenle wipes Jisungs old tears then wipes his own, before he stands up. "Do you wanna go back to the dorms now?" Chenle asked. "Yeah." he answered quietly. Chenle held his hand out and Jisung took it, before pulling the younger up.

"You promise you'll help me with the move tomorrow?" Jisung asked. "I promise." Chenle says with a smile. Jisung looked down at their intertwined hands, and smiled.