living a lie | park jisung

6 months later

   Over time Jisung has been able to think about what his sexuality is without panicking over it. Just thinking about it without the consequences. Not caring about how people will think, because he can deal with that after he figures everything out. He knew he didn't feel much for girls. Which he should feel by now. He is 15 years old.

   Jisung had a frown on his face as he threw his pillow up in the air. All the members were out today, whether it was vocal training, dance practice, or just hanging out. These are one of the few times Jisung can actually think about these kind of things. Most of the time he's busy, his mind filled with the new choreography he has to learn, the new rap phrase he has to memorize.

   How does he even find out if he's gay? Can he never find out till he kisses a guy? Or has a crush on one? Will he even know if he has a crush on one? Jisung let out a long frustrated groan, and slapped his pillow across the room. He could just imagine kissing different guys and girls, decide if he'd like it.

   So that's what Jisung did, he imagined himself dating different girls. Whether it was girl idols or just girls that were in his class. He imagined just doing couple like things with them. Jisung felt nothing. He just felt weird now for imagining stuff like that.

   When Jisung was about to imagine dating guys, he felt that hint of panic rise in his chest again. But he had to do this, he needed to find out who he is. So Jisung took some deep breaths to calm down, and just drifted off into his thoughts. He found himself with a different outcome.

   He imagined dating different guy idols and guys that were in his class. He didn't think he should imagine his friends, that just seemed like going too far for Jisung. The outcome of this was that Jisung was kind of a wreck. His face was red and he had this weird feeling in his stomach. He actually liked the idea of being with a guy. He really liked it. When he thought of dating a girl he didn't enjoy it. He didn't feel like this.

   Jisung naturally tried to make an excuse for this. But he stopped himself. When he was younger he never understood what a crush was. He didn't know being gay was an option. When him and that guy watched some of that porn video, they were both obviously enjoying different things. And just now, for the first time Jisung let himself think about how he'd feel about being with a guy. He'd like it, there was no denying it. He always felt different from everyone. Now Jisung finally knows why.

   I'm gay.