Secrets Aren't Lies

Chapter 4

I sit down in my usual spot on the floor and just drag my hand tenderly across where I last saw him sitting here. Stricken with grief, my cheeks glisten with tears as the drops fall onto my hands. My body slumps to the floor, laying there, staring at the video game console. My flooded tears make my vision blurry, trying to blink them away. I can almost smell the cologne that Hongbin sprayed this morning before he left, making me cry even harder silently. I fall into utter despair and disturbance, sad that I will never be able to watch Hongbin play these games again, let alone ever even see him again, or hear his voice.

I manage to get my body off of the ground to close all of the curtains, texting Leo to tell the boss I'm taking the week off. I undress out of my clothes, slipping on an oversized T-shirt and I push myself to crawl into bed. I throw the covers over my head and close my eyes in complete darkness. My mind goes blank, not even thinking about eating dinner, I don't want to move from this spot.

The room grows darker as nighttime falls into place. Next thing I know, I'm lost in slumber not knowing what time it is. I wake up sporadicly throughout the night, quietly and motionlessly, falling back to sleep every now and then, but feeling very restless. I just feel the dark shadow of loneliness being casted over me, very aware that I'm alone now, with no family left.

I toss and turn throughout the night, finally waking up fully by the sunlight shining through my curtains. I can almost hear the sound of Hongbin's voice waking me up early, telling me good morning. I miss his hand patting my head, wishing he could do it one last time. My depression drives me to stay in bed, giving me no reasons to have to get up or talk to anybody.

I spend the next half hour, staring at the wall in utter nonsense, trying to figure out what I should do, or even trying to go back to sleep. My eyelids rise in pain and my body forces itself up to put on a pair of black sweatpants and go brush my teeth. My stomach rumbles wanting food, but I'm really not in the mood. I do half of my normal morning routine and I exit the bathroom, glancing over at Hongbin's closed bedroom door.

My hand shakes towards the doorknob, pushing the door open. My heart sinks unable to see him, I just focus on the clean area and how well put together everything is, I close the door quickly, not wanting to touch or mess with anything.

I am just appalled by how fast I lost my family, I attempt to not think about anything, wanting to fight out of this funk. My hands rub my stomach in hunger, deciding I should at least try to eat. I head to the kitchen to prepare a small bowl of cereal and sit at the table alone. I never minded being here alone because I knew Hongbin would always be back, but now this apartment feels absolutely different to me.

I poke at the cereal, looking down at it as I lean on the table. Multiple thoughts run through my head that begin to worry me, such as that now I have to pay the rent by myself, hoping that I make enough. It was easy to split with him, but I can't just sit here and mope then, I have to be working to make money.

I groan in agony from even the thought of doing anything at work and going outside. I try to start eating, but the thoughts make me sick. I eat it anyway, knowing it will be worse for me later if I don't eat. I put the bowl in the sink and actually walk towards the spot on the floor in front of the television and I grab Hongbin's controller, I let out a soft chuckle surprisingly and turn on the console and the television.

I'm in disbelief that I'm actually going to play the game, but I should remember Hongbin positively, he would hate to see me so upset. Not like it's my fault. A soft sigh passes through my lips when I see the very familiar title screen of our favorite game throughout childhood.

I start a new file, leaving Hongbin's old file alone. I start to play, peculiarly smiling. A ton of old memories kick in, laughing with my brother as we played, even when I played alone it was fun every single time. We would never get old of playing it, it was a routine to play it every month throughout summer time.

The flashbacks of racing to see who could finish it first and staying up all night just to keep getting better at it. Of course, it seemed like he was always better at it than I was, but I did get some of the victories. The thought of him letting me win makes me laugh to myself gently.

After hours of playing, I finally save a quit, wanting to play it another time. That kept my mind occupied and made me reminisce happily for once. I keep the television on and put on my favorite movie, needing to keep my mood and spirits high. My body plops onto the couch, laying my head on the pillow and covering up with a fuzzy blanket. I endeavor through the hardship of trying to not think of my brother, and just focus on the movie to relax myself.

It's around mid-afternoon as I just lose myself in the movie, my eyes halfway closed as if they are wanting to fall asleep. A part of me is sleeping, but I still feel half awake. Eventually, I just close my eyes fully and listen to the movie in the background, comfortingly. It's nice not to be in complete silence, I think it is helping me sleep better.

What feels like only ten minutes that went by, I hear an urgent hard knock on my door three times faintly. My eyes open wearily, mildly infuriated that I was woken up. I pause the movie and it takes me a few moments to actually get motivated and go see who is at my door. I swing my legs off of the couch slowly and shuffle my feet across the ground, fixing my messy unmaintained hair. The bottom of my sweatpants drag along the floor as I walk gradually towards the door. I look through the peep hole and see a tall stature of a man wearing a dark suit.

"Who is it?" My voice crumbles, trying to be loud enough to hear through the door.

"Lee Jiyeon? I am a lawyer from the law offices, here to show you your brother's will." His voice is deep, yet lighthearted.

I readily unlock the door and stare at him, my heart beginning to race with curiosity. I cautiously let him in, noticing that he's carrying an envelope.

"It's a letter that came with a note stating that only his sister Jiyeon could read this letter and nobody else. He wrote down the address, so we figured we should just drop it off to you. If you have any questions or concerns with the will, please feel free to contact me." The gentleman hands me his business card, I receive it with two hands and bow to him graciously.

"Thank you so much." I say politely and as clearly as I can, attempting to stay calm and collected. My gut coils with uneasiness, not even wanting to imagine what this letter says. He bows to me right before he leaves, I bid him goodbye and lock the door behind him.

I run to my bedroom and sit on the edge of my bed. My eyes scan the white thin envelope as my hands hold it nervously. My heart strings tug at my chest, unable to take this right now. I put the letter safe under my pillow where I can't lose it. I'll remember to read it when I feel more stable, the suddenness of this is too much to bear at the moment.

I immediately undress out of my sloppy clothes and slip on some leggings and just a short sleeve shirt. I exit the bedroom, closing the door not even wanting to think about the will. I can't imagine what it could say. I go to the bathroom to wash my face with a hot washcloth, sighing as I let hold it against my cheeks. I get a comfortable pair of sneakers on, grabbing my bag and I leave the apartment, wanting to get some sunlight on my skin to refresh myself.

I finally make it outside, the bright sun blinds my eyesight momentarily from being in the dark for too long, but the air and the warmth feels nice. There is no breeze today shockingly. I see Hongbin's friend right outside of my apartment building, heading towards me.

"Jiyeon! I was just on my way to see you, I heard what happened to Hongbin. I'm so sorry." He sighs softly, he looks really torn up about it too.

"T-thank you, I appreciate you coming to see me. It's been rough." I look down, saddened. He pulls me into a tight embrace, and I immediately bury my face in his chest, hugging around him.

"I just can't believe it." He whispers to me, slowly pulling away. "If you need anything, just come over, okay?" He grabs my arms and looks me directly in my eyes. I nod softly to him and bow respectfully. He leaves shortly after and I continue my journey.