Hate's a Type Of Love (Jean X Reader)

2. A Bit of Wisdom

Reader POV

From then on, Jean and I would get into verbal disputes almost daily and physical fights at least two times a week, maybe more if we were especially ticked off at each other. I was the one that almost always started the physical fights and I was also the one that lost those fights most of the time. Jean was bigger than me, faster than me and stronger than me so it was no surprise. To be honest, over the year of fights that happened, I actually started to enjoy hating him. All this stress here in the Training Corps was released when I managed to land a few hits on Jean. I even broke his nose one time! That had been the one fight I'd actually won. Well, by default anyway since Shadis had been the one to come break it up and punish us yet again.

I walked into the stables one morning for stable duty and found Armin already there starting to feed the horses their breakfast. I smiled a tiny bit at the sweet boy and walked up to take one of buckets of grain from him and start feeding some of the horses too. "Good morning, Armin." "Good morning. How's your eye? Jean hit you pretty badly yesterday." He fretted and I shrugged with a small sigh. "It hurts and it's a bit puffy but I've had worse from him. I almost beat him that time too the damn cheater. Why's he always gotta be so noisy and get us caught by Instructor Shadis?" I huffed, putting a scoop of grain into another horse's feeding tub. "You really do hate him, don't you? Jean, I mean." "Yeah, I do. He's such an asshole all the time and he butts his nose into my business too." Armin sighed and set his bucket down when he was done with his side of the stables, picking up a pitchfork. "You know, (Name), hate can be a type of love." I opened my mouth to interrupt him, giving him a sharp glare but he continued before I could say anything. "Before you get upset with me for saying that, let me explain. What I mean is that love and hate, they both stem from the same driver. Passion. They're both very intense feelings of passion. Think of it as a spectrum, you hate being here in the Training Corps but you love getting stronger and putting that strength to the test with each new training exercise. So in reality you really don't hate it, you actually love it, but you're just in a grey area and have decided to label it as one or the other. I think that might be the case with you and Jean. But that's just what I see anyway."

I frowned at him and huffed a little as I started to clean stalls with him. "That's not funny at all, Armin. Why would I ever like anything about that stupid horseface?" We were quiet the rest of the morning, Armin seeming a bit nervous to bring up anything to do with our previous conversation.

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At lunch I sat down at a quieter table next to Bertholdt and across from Reiner, setting my tray down with a light clatter. "You alright? You don't usually sit with us, (Name)." Bert asked and I shrugged resting my chin on my hand as I boredly ate my bread roll. I was just staring off at nothing across the mess hall when Jean sat down at a table in my line of sight. I didn't notice it right away since my mind was off somewhere else but it probably looked as if I was staring right at him.

Jean POV

I felt as if someone was staring at me while I ate and eventually it got on my last nerve so I looked around to see who it might be. Imagine my surprise when I locked eyes with (Name). I narrowed my eyes at her and scrunched up my nose in annoyance. She just stared for a while longer before finally seeming to notice that I had caught her and she sneered at me and quickly looked back over at Reiner and Annie to start a conversation with them. I was about to get up and make my way over but a hand fell on my shoulder and I glanced over to Marco who was smiling warmly at me. "Just leave her be, she doesn't look herself today." I frowned at his words but just settled back in my seat and continued eating my meal. "Why d'ya think that? She looks like she always does. Pissy and angry at everything." "Well, she looked really upset and lost in thought after stable duty with Armin this morning. Maybe something happened between them?"

Marco was always so considerate of others and I really admired that about him. It was a quality I wish I had to his extent but I just wasn't as good at reading people's emotions. I looked back over at (Name) and frowned again, taking another bite of my steamed potato. She did look kind of off today. But why the hell did I care now? She grated on my nerves and I really just hated her. I huffed in annoyance at myself and shook my head, finishing my meal and excusing myself from the table to go take a walk before it would be time for the afternoon ODM training session.

Reader POV

"You sure you're alright? Jean's been staring at you with a pretty nasty look. Did you guys have another fight today?" Reiner asked and I was a little surprised to see him worried at all but I just shrugged. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just a lot on my mind, yknow? Something Armin said." "What'd he say to get your panties in a twist?" It was Annie's turn to speak up, suddenly seeming interested in the topic and I rolled my eyes at her. "Some stupid metaphor or something. He thinks that my 'hate' for Jean is just 'love' that I don't know how to express otherwise. That's just wrong. I hate that stupid horseface. That's all it is, hate. He's an asshole and he just rubs me the wrong way." Reiner put his hands up in mock defense and I sighed, calming down a bit from my little heated rant.

"He has a point, it does look that way sometimes but if you say you hate him, then we believe you. Only you know what you feel anyway so nobody else can really tell you what it is you're feeling for someone else." Annie said calmly and finished her last bites of food, excusing herself from the table. She never was a talkative person so we were all left slightly stunned. I sighed and finished up my meal too, thanking Reiner and Bertholdt for letting me sit with them and talk for a while before leaving the table to put my tray away.

I walked out into the woods for the free hour before ODM training, stopping to climb up into a tree and sit on a high branch, looking up through the leaves at the bright sun and blue sky. "Maybe Armin does have a point... But, I don't like him. He's always so cocky and rude. And he's got that dumb horse face!" I sighed and sat with my legs hanging down on either side of the branch, leaning my back against the trunk. I leaned my head up and closed my eyes. "Damn, why did he have to put that thought in my head that I might not actually hate Jean... He's got it all wrong. Like Annie said, only I know how I feel about Jean. I hate him. Yeah, it's nothing more than hate." Or at least, that's what I told myself. But if I was having to keep repeating it to make myself believe it then was it really true? I just didn't know anymore.