Hate's a Type Of Love (Jean X Reader)

20. Fall Apart

57th Expedition, Calaneth District Outer Gate

Reader POV

I hung around, talking to Petra while we waited for the order to get into position with our horses. To say I was nervous about this expedition was an understatement. I was terrified. But chatting about idle things with Petra helped distract me for a while at least. I would have gone to talk with Jean but I didnt know where he was in this mass of soldiers loitering around with their horses, awaiting orders from the Commander.

Suddenly a loud order was barked out over the thrum of anxious chatter and Petra was joined by her squad captain, Levi. "Time to go, Petra. You too, cadet, go find your squad captain. We'll be leaving shortly." He said plainly, a dark and serious look on his face as he turned to go back to his horse, Petra close behind him. I waved to her with a nervous smile that she returned and I headed off to get my horse and join my squad captain. I made it just in time to mount my horse and fall in behind him when Commander Erwin Smith called out for everyone to move forward over the loud scraping and squeaking of the gate opening to allow us all to pass through it.

My stomach was doing flips as I tried to calm myself with a deep breath that didn't help at all, urging my horse forward when given the command to do so. I gripped my reins so tightly my knuckles turned white as I passed under the gate and out into the expanse of titan infested land between Wall Rose and Wall Maria. I rode close behind my captain, following after him when the large mass of scouts dispersed into smaller groups to fill out the long distant enemy spotting formation. This was going to be a long day... Or, perhaps a short one depending on how things worked out.  My squad took our place in the middle of the right flank of the formation and I was on high alert for any sign of titans, keeping my head on a swivel as I rode along. Luckily, I didnt see any titans yet, but it had only been five minutes of travel and if I looked behind me I could still see Wall Rose as clear as day in the distance. We'd barely left... This level of anxiety was certainly not good for my heart if this mission was an all day affair.

Only a few minutes of quiet riding later, the sound of a flare gun going off in the distance behind us rang through the air and I snapped my head to look over my shoulder at the color of it. Black smoke. An abnormal titan? I hadn't seen anything when I passed by that area just a few minutes ago, how did it get past? And so close to my position already? As I was focused with wide, scared eyes in the distance behind me, my squad captain shot off a black flare as well. And thats when I spotted it. A large titan running at full bore right for us from the previous squad's location.

I felt my stomach drop at the sight of the titan growing nearer. It was huge. It must have been a fifteen meter class titan. And from the look of it, it was pure muscle, no skin and it was female. I couldnt move as I watched it get closer, my horse still running forward to follow my squad captain. Then suddenly its foot wastraveling right over my head. It landed in front of me, barely missing my horse who skidded to a halt and reared up as the titan continued to run off. I fell from the saddle behind my horse, getting kicked in the side of the head as it ran off in fear. The impact knocked me unconscious and everything from then on was ambient silence and blackness.

~~~~

When I came to, I squinted in the bright sunlight filtering through the leaves of trees. I groaned in pain and held my head with one hand, looking around my new surroundings. I was seated against the trunk of a humongous tree and my squad captain was standing in front of me a few feet away, looking down at the ground with his blade drawn. The tree shook slightly, not enough to sway it, but i could feel the vibrations and then i heard the grunting of the titans below me. I glanced down and my eyes went wide. That was a lot of titans. "Cadet (Name), are you able to use your gear on your own? You took a kick to the head earlier. We need every soldier we have right now if these titans decide to ignore us and head farther into the forest." My captain said and I met his serious gaze with a rather terrified one. "I... I think so." I gave him an answer that I was unsure of and tried to push myself to my feet, using the tree trunk to support myself for a moment as a wave of dizziness washed over me.

Suddenly an earpiercing scream rang through the trees and I winced, covering my ears with my hands as i watched in horror as the titans below us started to run into the forest. "After them!" I followed orders, albeit a bit slowly because I still didn't feel quite right. As I used my ODM gear to fly through the trees behind the titans with everyone else, I glanced down at the ground, noticing the bodies of other soldiers that had already died trying to go after that female titan. But I paused behind everyone else when I caught a glimpse of pretty strawberry blonde hair stained with blood through the branches of one tree as I passed by. I fell back to it and landed on the ground near the body as it sat facing the tree, head slumped back with drying blood streaking her face, her back bent at an unnatural angle and most of her body practically flattened against the tree and ground. Petra. Shed been caught by the female titan and crushed against this tree.

I felt hot tears well up in my eyes as I stood there staring at her mangled body. My first new friend in the scouts and she was gone. How many others died today? How many of my friends were gone now? How many more would die before this stupid expedition was over? Why did I have to choose the damn scouts? I cursed myself, my vision going blurry from tears that were now spilling over in silent sorrow for my fallen friend and countless others who must have died already. I fell to my knees, slumping over with my head in my hands as I cried.

I felt the tremors of the ground as a titan approached where I knelt, mourning my friend but I didnt move. I couldn't move, my body just wouldn't listen even though my mind was telling me to get up and use my ODM gear for a quick getaway into the trees. I did nothing as it picked me up in its fat hand and practically crushed all the air out of me as it lifted me up towards its disgusting mouth. Only when it placed one of my legs into its mouth did my body finally listen to me. I panicked, feelings its grip loosen on me as it tried to put me all the way into its mouth. I got one of my blades out of its scabbard and stabbed it deep into the titan's cheek with a scream of pain as it's teeth crushed my left thigh between them. It grunted and its jaw loosened, allowing me to fall to the ground with a painful thud. The filthy thing was about to pick me back up but it suddenly stopped and fell to the ground, steam rising from its body as it began to disintegrate. Captain Levi landed on the ground near me along with a couple other soldiers who lifted me up and brought me to one of the carriages. The pain in my body was so great that I didnt even feel it, I just felt numb all over as I laid in the back if the carriage as all the scouts began their retreat back to Calaneth District. The mission was a failure, that much was clear to me.