Hate's a Type Of Love (Jean X Reader)

12.

104th Cadet Corps Graduation, 850

Reader POV

The remaining time in training went by surprisingly quickly, and perhaps that was because I wanted it to last forever. I didn't want to leave this comfortable routine and be separated from my friends by regiment or inevitable death should we join the Scouts. But most of all, I wanted this time with Jean to last forever. I wanted to spend all my time with him, and I did spend as much time as I could with him over the remaining days before our placement test and our graduation from being trainees. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't shirk my training. I still pushed myself each and every day to try and get into the running for the top ten that would be able to go to the Military Police. Jean and Marco were aiming for the top ten as well and I didn't want to be the only one left behind. And I thought I was going to achieve what I wanted so that I could stay with Jean... But my efforts just weren't enough in the final placement test. I was nowhere near the top ten. Hell, I wasn't even in the top 50...

At first, the shock of not hearing my name called was the only thing on my mind. But then as I scanned the faces of all my friends standing up there in the top ten without me, it truly hit me that I was most likely going to be all alone joining the Garrison. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin would be joining the scouts, that much had been clear from the moment they set foot in the training camp. Ymir and Christa had mentioned the Military Police at some point, influenced by Reiner, Annie, and Bertholdt. And of course, it was Jean and Marco's dream to join the Military Police too. This was downright crushing to my heart.

I didn't even realize I was crying until Jean hurried over after we were all dismissed to Trost to be on stand-by for tomorrow when the Commanders of the Garrison and Scouts would give their recruitment speeches. I saw the smile on his face quickly drop when he saw the tears in my eyes and I looked down at the ground, feeling a bit guilty. I should be happy for him. He'd get his dream, wasn't that something a girlfriend should congratulate their boyfriend on? "(Name), are you okay? Why're you crying?" Jean worried, stepping closer so he could gently lift my chin with one hand and force me to look at him again. I bit my lip and took a shaky breath to try and calm myself down though all I could think about was that I might never get to see Jean again after tomorrow. With that thought running in circles around my mind, I stepped forward and tossed my arms around Jean's shoulders, raising up on my toes slightly as I hugged him tightly. He wobbled a bit with the unexpected impact but he didn't try to pull away, wrapping his arms around me firmly.

Jean POV

(Name) hid her face in my neck and quietly cried, not answering my questions but I suppose it was pointless for her to answer them; it was obvious that she wasn't okay. She wouldn't be crying if she was alright. And that's why it worried me. She didn't cry often and here she was blubbering away. And I'm pretty sure I could answer the 'why' as well because I felt the same way. I didn't want to see her all alone in the Garrison or Scouts while I was safely in the inner wall with the MPs. My frown deepened and I squeezed her closer to me, bringing one hand up to rest it on the back of her head and idly stroke her hair. This was going to be a hard decision. I didn't want to be part of the Garrison and have something like what happened at Shiganshina happen wherever I ended up stationed. I also didn't want to join the scouts with that suicidal bastard. Nobody wants to throw themselves to the wolves so to speak and that's what joining the scouts would be.

I turned my head slightly to place a kiss on (Name)'s temple, sighing heavily afterward. "I don't want to leave you either, y'know. I really wish I could bring you with me to Wall Sina where we could both be safe." I said to her in a low voice, this conversation was only meant for her anyway, nobody else needed to hear me as other Cadets passed us by to head back to the dorms and collect their meager belongings to bring back to Trost with them while we waited for tomorrow. The girl in my arms sniffled and I could feel the pain she must be feeling, my chest feeling tight. "Jean, I love you. Please don't leave me..." Her words were barely spoken at a whisper and I almost missed them but I managed to catch them all.

Hearing her say that brought the threatening sting of hot tears to my eyes and I gave her another squeeze as she clutched the back of my jacket in her hands. Just what was I supposed to say back to her? I loved her too, that much was certain but did I really love her enough to risk my life? Or was I too selfish for my own good? I must have taken too long to reply to that because she pulled away from me slightly and wiped her eyes on the sleeves of her jacket. "I'm sorry, Jean. That was really selfish of me. I don't know what I'd do if you were killed because you followed me to the Garrison or Scouts." Her voice cracked a little and I could tell she felt guilty for asking something so big of me. I opened my mouth to speak and try and tell her that wasn't the case. It wasn't selfish of her. I wanted to stay by her side as well, but then again, I couldn't say that and have it not be a lie so I closed my mouth without uttering any words.

The pained smile she gave me was like a knife to the heart that somebody twisted around a bit for good measure. "I'd rather know that you're safe and alive somewhere than risking your life out there on Wall Rose or out on expeditions with the Scouts... I think it might be best if you just forget about me, Jean..." I stared at her with wide eyes, my vision slightly misty from all this. Was she dumping me? Sure, long-distance relationships didn't really work in this world we lived in, but surely there was a way that we could make it work? There had to be, I couldn't just forget about her... Not after everything that happened these past three years. She was a huge part of my life and I loved her... So why couldn't I get my voice to work even as she placed a final kiss on my cheek and pulled away completely?

I was frozen to my spot as I silently watched her run off to the girls' dorms. When she disappeared from my sight, I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my hands into fists at my sides, letting a couple of hot tears slip from my eyes and slide down my cheeks slowly. I felt them merge at my chin and drip off onto the dusty ground at my feet before I opened my eyes again. Damn it... I what the hell was I supposed to do? I was free to go with the MPs but there was no way I could do that now... I suppose I still had a full day to decide where I wanted to go and for now I needed to collect my things so I could head back to Trost with the rest of the cadets. As I stalked my way back to the boys' dorms, I dried my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket and tried to compose myself before entering. There was no way in hell I'd let Eren see me crying if I could help it.