Hate's a Type Of Love (Jean X Reader)

13. Another Grim Reminder

Trost District, 850

Reader POV

I spent the majority of the evening of graduation crying quietly curled up on my cot. Of course breaking it off with Jean wasn't what I really wanted but what other choice did I have? I felt too guilty asking him to stay by my side and risk his own life. I wanted him to be happy and if following his dream of joining the MPs and finding someone else to love would do it then I wanted that for him. I didn't want to see him sad and alone because of me. There was no telling what might happen from here on out now that we were no longer trainees. We were cadets, ready to move on to a real regiment of the military. And unlike Jean, I would be forced to risk my life at the hands of the titans every single day. Now, I knew all the horror stories from the others who had been in Shiganshina that day 5 years ago, but I'd never actually seen a titan for myself. I didn't know first hand the terror they inflicted. And unlike most orphans, my parents hadn't been killed by titans, they'd died naturally, well, sort of. They had been sick and too poor to pay a doctor to help them to get better. But enough about that. It's not exactly a happy memory and it's nothing worth writing home about either... Just a boring story of a poor family in the inner walls.

The next morning, we were all shipped off to Trost district to help out the Garrison with wall patrol, normal city patrol, and other odd jobs they would rather push off onto the cadets while we waited for the recruitment speeches later in the evening. I rode a carriage with a bunch of cadets I didn't really know, trying to distance myself from my friends and Jean so that maybe this whole thing would hurt less when it finally became official that we wouldn't be with each other ever again. I'd also taken the last carriage, everyone else was probably already getting to work with their assignments for the day. I sighed and looked out behind us as the carriage approached the gate to Trost. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't miss those training grounds that I spent 3 years of my life at. I felt like some old granny reflecting back on my early years. It was rather amusing to think about but I got no joy from it. No one my age should ever feel like that... It just goes to show how truly dire humanity's situation is that young teens have to grow up so quickly and put their lives on the line to save something they barely understood.

Soon enough, we reached the drop off point inside Trost and we all got off the carriage to make our way inside the Supply Base. We were given our assignments for the day and sent off to make sure our gear was properly working and fueled up, you know, just in case we needed it. That went quickly and I was off with two other cadets, Sara and Finnian, to go on a normal patrol of the most forward part of the city. "Sara, what regiment are you going to choose? I'm going to the Scouts. That boy's speech at the very beginning of training really inspired me to give my skills where they're needed most." Finnian started up a conversation as we walked in our small group toward the assigned area. I listened quietly from Sara's other side, watching as she rolled her eyes at Finnian who had put his hands behind his head to walk with a lazy smirk up at the sky. "You're stupid, Fin. You're just going to die out there. You only placed in the 60s. Anyway, I'm choosing the Garrison. I'd rather have a wall between me and those titans thank you very much." Her snide attitude reminded me of the way I was with my friends and I sighed lightly. Sara and Finnian both had a good point about their decisions and I was even less sure of which I wanted to choose for myself now.

"Hey, what about you? What regiment are you gonna choose?" Finnian's question directed at me brought me out of my own circling thoughts. "I'm not really sure yet. I know I'd probably be more useful on the Scouts but I also don't really want to risk my life every day without a wall between me and the titans." I shrugged and Finnian gave an exasperated sigh. "At least if you go with the Scouts, you'll die an exciting, meaningful death while trying to save all of humanity! Joining the Garrison is just selfish. You're wasting your fighting skills by walking on top a wall all day or doing lame patrols inside the city like we're doing right now." He huffed and Sara rolled her eyes once again at him. "We can't all be suicidal weirdos like you and that Eren kid. Some of us want to keep ourselves alive as long as we can by staying with the Garrison or the MPs." Sara tried to defend but again, they both made sense.

The two continued to bicker pointlessly back and forth as we made our way down the main road of the city. But as we were about halfway to our assigned patrol area, the ground shook and a bright flash of unnaturally yellow lightning crashed down just behind the main gate of the city. We all stumbled a bit until the shaking ground stopped and then we looked up to the gate where that odd flash had come from. My eyes went wide at what I saw there, looming above the top of the wall. A skinless gigantic head and shoulders. So that was the Colossal Titan I'd heard so much about from Eren and Armin... Even from this distance I could tell it was impossibly huge. How could a titan taller than the walls exist? This one had to be at least 60 meters tall!

I watched as it slowly raised its arm and brought it down in a sweeping arc, taking out whatever canons and whatever... And whoever else, was on top of the gate for patrol today. And in that moment the city reentered my attention. Screaming of terrified citizens and the fainter screams of soldiers in pain from closer to the wall. My eyes tore away from the Colossal Titan to look around me as citizens ran past in droves. They were the ones who had been outside milling about their daily lives and actually saw the titan appear. What were we supposed to do? I mean, I knew we had to help as many citizens get to the back gate as possible but this was all happening too quickly for my mind to process. The situation hadn't fully sunk in yet and I stood there with Sara and Finnian like deer in headlights, looking around in confusion at the chaos around us.

I flinched and whipped around to look back at the gate when I heard a large booming sound. Debris flew right over my head and I ducked instinctively even though it wouldn't have hit me anyway. I covered my head with my hands, looking from the huge dust cloud at the gate at ground level to Sara who had been standing right beside me. Another large chunk of debris, what looked to be part of the gate itself, slammed into her and turned her into nothing but a red smear on the ground and a mangled mess under it a few meters away. I stood there staring at the red smear where the girl had been only seconds before, eyes wide as I felt my stomach churn. I felt like I couldn't breathe as I was beginning to completely shut down. Why was this happening to us a second time? Why did the Colossal Titan choose Trost to destroy? Where was Jean? Where were my other friends? Were they okay? Had they been on top of the wall when the Colossal Titan attacked? Was I going to die today? So many questions rushed through my head and I couldn't answer a single one of them.

A hand on my wrist yanked me out of the way of another large piece of wall from the second kick the Colossal Titan landed on the gate and I fell backward onto my butt in front of Finnian, who I finally heard yelling my name. I wasn't sure how long he'd been calling me and quite frankly, it didn't matter. He'd just saved my life and brought me back to my senses. We had to get these citizens to safety. There was no time to be worrying about my friends or Sara. It wouldn't do them any good right now. All I could do was help Finnian get as many citizens in this area heading toward the inner gate where they could have a chance to escape the titans and move to the inner towns between Wall Rose and Wall Sina, or even into the capital city...