Marija Miskobitch was a christian woman in her late 60's, going into her early 70's.
Though of course, she wouldn't admit it to anyone, as she claimed she was only 49.
However, her sagging wrinkled potato sack of a face would most definitely say otherwise.
Even though Marija claimed she was a christian, she never kept the sabbath and she rarely prayed to her 'god'.
She would often tap around in her black shiny beetle shell shoes that were one size too small which strangled her thick yellow bunions that plagued her chapped, alligator skin feet.
She loved to grind mouse poop infested grain to make her special mouse-head bread loafs which always came out deformed and lopsided, which she would then force upon other people, such as relatives and neighbors.
Marija also had a garden, if you can even call it that.
It was filled with deformed, plagued, sadden vegetables that not even Marija herself ate. She just liked to look at it through the windows of her house and spend hours upon hours in it, planting various different kinds of vegetable plants that would just go to waste each year.
Once she even went as far as to sneak into the truck bed of one of her distant relatives, a man named Adum, Once she was inside the truck bed, she slid open the back window and hid a large deformed bright yellow squash from her garden underneath his coat which was laying on the passenger seat.
He didn't find it until he got home, he was pissed but his wife on the other hand, happily took it and cooked it up for dinner.
Let's just say, Adum didn't have dinner that night and his wife ate half of the squash then stored the other half in a tupperware container which she then sent to work with him as lunch every day until he finally ate the now most likely moldy squash.
He never visited Marija again after that.
One day, Marija sat in her room, pondering facts about her god while she halfheartedly pretended to read her 40 year old bible.
'god if u can hear it me, plz give it me sign tht u r real plz it o plz gracious loving god' Marija pleaded inside her head.
Just then, a single rose petal fell from the vase of 2 day old roses she had sitting in her window.
'so god is real' Marija thought as she sprang up from her dusty, poop-scented 30 year old chair that she always slept on even though she had a large two-person bed sitting in her bedroom next door.
"GOD IS REAL! I MUST TELL DA WORLD!" Marija shouted to herself, she did a few twirls, almost knocking over a unstable shelf filled with dusty knickknacks and random junkola that she never got rid of.
She slid on a old ragged blue dress with a white clown pattern since she had been naked and then she slipped on her favorite beetle shell shoes, she then quickly ran her lips over with a red lipstick she had bought a week ago simply because it was labeled 'seductive woman' which marija thought she was.
She raced out the door, shouting out that god was real a few times before she hopped into her 50 year old red kia and without even putting on her seat belt, she slammed her beetle shell slipper onto the gas peddle, zooming off down the road, doing 70 miles over the speed limit.
She peeled out into the Super 1 parking lot, and didn't even bother using the car door as she hoisted herself up through the window and sped walked into the store.
"ATTENTION EVERYVONE! GOD IS REAL! I, MARIJA MISKOBITCH, REPEAT. GOD IS REAAALLLL!" She screamed, making everyone turn and look at her, some plugging their ears from how loud she was and others just giving her dirty or weird looks.
A security guard began to march towards Marija with intent in his large bulbous eyes, Marija spotted him and raced up to him, jumping into his arms and then she yelled into his ear "GOD IS REAL!" which caused him to drop her and his hand flew up to his ear, which blood started pouring out of.
Marija quickly got to her feet and raced out of the store, she was about to run to her car when she heard "AND YES I'M ALL LIT UP AGAIN, ON THE COUCH, IN MY BED", a song by buckcherry which was blasting from a nearby suburbon that had smoke billowing out of the windows.
Marija raced up to the vehicle, smoke billowed into her face, causing her to cough out her sentence "G-g-go-god-is-isa-is-r-ra-re-re-real". She stumbled away from the car, still coughing from the smoke inhalation.
She finally got to her car just as a police car zoomed into the parking lot and she dove into her car through the window, placing her foot on the gas peddle, she farted out of the parking lot at a speed of 60 miles per hour.
She stopped at a red light, she then proceeded to roll down her window and shout at the other drivers, "GOD IS REAL! HE SEND IT ME MESSAGE! GOD IS REAAAL!" which caused the other drivers to honk at her, some of them even gave her the middle finger which Marija didn't notice as she sped off, running the red light.
Suddenly, Marija heard 'WEE WOO WEE WOO' as a cop car turned on its sirens and started speeding after her.
Marija rolled down her drivers window and poked her head out whilst still driving and yelled out to the cop car "GOD IS REAL, DO NOT WORRY IT!" She called to the cop then she rolled back up her window and sped up, swirling around in the snow on the road as she went.
"PULL OVER!" The police officer shouted from his window and Marija just yelled back "DONT WORRY IT, I AM MESSENGER OF GOD!" and kept going until eventually she had 5 cop cars tailing her.
"PULL OVER NOW!" Several cops shouted. Just then, Marija's car ran out of gas and all 5 of the cop cars surrounded her red kia.
10 different cops got out of the 5 cop cars and walked up to Marija's driver side door, they then opened it. 2 cops dragged marija out of her car and proceeded to arrest her, "NO! YOU DONT UNDERSTAND IT! GOD IS REAL! I MUST DELIVER IT HIS MESSAGE IT TO DA WORLD!" Marija screamed, trying to smash one of the cops toes with her beetle shell slippers.
"GOD IS REAl!" was the last thing Marija said before she was thrown into the back of a cop car and taken to a local loony bin.
