Imperfectly Beautiful (Jordan Knight Fanfic, Liadan #3)

Love and Limos

-NATE-

I could feel the effects of the alcohol I'd downed with Tony coursing through my system as I said my goodbyes to the few friends and family I recognized on my way out of Maria's house.

Despite the shock of witnessing the two Holloways' fistfight, overall the party had been a nice experience and I'd enjoyed spending time with the people that I'd grown up knowing and loving and recounting the memories that had shaped me into the person that I'd become. In fact, the entire night had only given me a better appreciation for the ups and downs that Maria and Tony had gone through in trying to keep their little family together. Suddenly, all their decisions seemed a lot less black and white—he was wrong and she was right or she should've done this or that and he shouldn't have said this or that—and a lot more complex. Maria had always told me I'd understand their situation better when it was my turn to be a parent and I was starting to realize she was right.

Everything that had been so simple to me in the past could presently be viewed through shades of gray that complicated things. All my personal happy memories were now contrasted with the raging worries in the back of my head that my kid wouldn't have those same memories. Would my son or daughter have a long list of happy childhood tales or would they have jaded comments about a father that was putting on a show for the world like Tony did?

My future brother-in-law seemed to think that a large part of the success of fatherhood was directly tied to family history, but I wasn't so sure about that. He had in his head that no matter how hard he tried he was always going to be at risk of screwing something up, even if it was small, because that's what his own father had done and I'd be just fine because of who my father was. Although I recognized those sentiments as a valid perspective, I was convinced that our individual efforts were what mattered and I was just as likely to make some serious mistakes as he was—except if I did it, there'd been no justifiable reason. I couldn't fall back on the idea that I didn't really know any better.

That thought alone was enough to almost give me a panic attack and it didn't help that Paige's father's request for me to marry her wouldn't stop ringing in my brain. For a really long time I'd thought that I would go through the traditional pathway of falling madly in love and then marrying when it seemed right. However, watching Paige try to decide exactly how to introduce herself tonight—was she my friend? My girlfriend? Something else?—made me wonder if just having that solid feeling of a stable family with defined roles was enough of a reason to marry.

Ethan believed that doing the right thing would be giving her and our child the family that I'd had as a kid and part of me was starting to believe that he was right. After all, that need for family was the exact reason I was even in Boston right now—I'd missed my mom and dad and siblings and all the little things that made me feel safe and secure and like I belonged somewhere. I couldn't imagine not being able to give my child that same comfort. Even when I'd inserted myself into all of the conversations where Paige had struggled to explain our relationship to my friends and family and told them she was my girlfriend, I'd felt an unsettled tug in my stomach as the lie escaped my lips and I hated it.

Regardless of any other status, one thing that was certain was that Paige would now forever be the mother of my child and I knew deep inside she was starting to wish that she had some kind of real label even if she'd never admit it. In my own heart, I also knew that she deserved an official title, but I just wasn't sure what title. As old-fashioned as it may have been, I really didn't know if I wanted the woman that was carrying my child to just be my "girlfriend", yet on the other hand, "wife" came with a whole host of other expectations and emotions that I wasn't sure I was prepared to process.

I had a lot of very real, very scary feelings when it came to Paige, but I didn't know what they were or how to label them. If I was being honest, that wasn't a new dilemma that had come with the news of a baby either—I'd been wrestling with where she placed in my life since the first time we'd slept together. When I'd left her behind in L.A. and come back to Boston to spend the holidays with my parents that year, I'd felt this pull to her every time she sent a text claiming L.A. and her bed missed me, but after a while of us both saying we weren't serious and were doing the "no-strings" thing, I'd gotten used to pretending that those thoughts and feelings didn't exist. Now, with a life-bonding connection developing between us, it was all rising to the surface again and forcing me to face it head-on.