Imperfectly Beautiful (Jordan Knight Fanfic, Liadan #3)

Angels and Anguish

-NATE-

I awoke with a start—sweat drenched down my back and my heart raced in my chest as vivid images of doctors gazing at me and telling me that my whole world was shattered played through my head.

Breathing heavily, I told myself that it was all just a dream. I was fine. My baby was fine. It was just a nightmare.

Yet, one glance around across the room told me otherwise.

Paige's father, Ethan Reynolds, sat slouched in a hospital chair with one hand resting on top of his daughter's. My eyes trailed from her French-manicured nails, to the IV needle in her hand to the white wristband on her wrist and up higher and higher until I landed on her pale, exhausted face that was contorted into a grimace as if she was having the same nightmare.

In the background, the faint sound of the television played:

'In entertainment news, award-winning singer and son of New Kids on the Block member, Jordan Knight, Nathan Knight, has broken his recent silence by posting a sonogram picture to Instagram along with the caption 'Rest in peace, little one' and a request for prayers and privacy. As recently as this past weekend, Knight was seen out and about in his native Boston with his rumored girlfriend, Paige Reynolds, and several media insiders suspect that the pregnancy was the reason for his sudden cancellation of the remaining dates of his world tour a few weeks ago. There's been an outpouring of prayers and support across social media for the young couple and we wish them healing and love during this difficult time.'

I rested my head back against the icy cold window behind me and winced at my painfully stiff neck while I tried to hold back the next deluge of tears that threatened to drown me.

It wasn't a nightmare. It was real. There was a hole in my heart that I was sure would never be filled again and today Paige was scheduled to fly all the way across the country and make the hole just a little bit bigger.

She hadn't even wanted me to spend the night—telling me that I should go home and get some rest, but halfway on the drive there, I'd turned back around and decided I was staying whether she wanted me to or not. She might not have been carrying my baby anymore, but she had for eight weeks and I felt I owed it to our child to at least see her through the hospital.

It all felt a little surreal and hard to comprehend—I'd never gotten to hear a heartbeat or learn a gender or even see an image of the baby until it was time for the doctors to tell me that he or she was gone. Still, it had been a connection that was just as tangible as anything else I'd ever experienced. The baby had been in my dreams and on my mind constantly and now just like that, they were gone and I was somehow supposed to move on and pretend like I hadn't pictured an entire life with Paige and the baby apart of it.

I sucked in a long, shaky breath and drug a hand backwards through my hair in an attempt to pull myself together, but a scooting sound startled my nerves and I felt uneasy all over.

I raised my head to see Ethan stirred awake and yawning before giving me an apologetic look.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" he asked in a whisper and I shook my head slowly.

He folded himself up from the chair and made his way across the room towards me and I brought my hand around to the back of my neck where the whiplash had set in.

"Did you get any sleep at all?" he questioned quietly.

I shrugged, "On and off."

"It's hard. And it's going to be hard for a while. I don't think I slept all the way through the night for at least a good two years after I lost Audrey," a pained expression crossed his face. "I know Paige has her own ideas about her mother from what people have told her and she wasn't exactly an angel—she put me through a hell of a lot, but I loved her. I was devastated when she died so suddenly and I never in a million years would've thought her heart attack was from something genetic. I feel awful I never really talked with Paige about it or considered the ramifications it could have on her children."