Sobriety Is Super Overrated

What Am I Fighting For?

I've been tied to a chair and unable to conjure Dave for the past five hours, Ben is still egging me on to continue trying to conjure him. My powers are just useless sometimes and the fact that I'm feeling twitchy and as though I need to put a spike in my vein isn't helping much. I'm still begging Ben to let me go, although I'm trying to be less whiny about it. I know the ghosts will come back to haunt me any minute now.

But before the ghosts arrive, first came the memories. Memories of a time before, a time when I was both completely miserable and happily in love at the same time. Maybe I was only happily in love because I was completely miserable, or maybe I was only miserable because I was in love. Either way it doesn't make much of a difference. The things I saw back then. All that bloodshed. All that war and all for nothing. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how anyone deal with something like that.

I saw him die.

I saw Dave die.

"Ben, do you want to know what Vietnam was like?"

When I think of Vietnam nothing but images of unimaginable horror come to mind. Dead bodies were everywhere, everyone was scared, and nobody knew what they were fighting for or whose side they were supposed to be on. Ben just stares at me. I never told him about it before. He never asked, figuring I never wanted to talk about it. Part of the reason I want to talk now to make him feel guilty about keeping me tied up here, the other reason I want to talk is because sometimes talking helps me deal with it.

"I'm listening, Klaus." Ben tries to reassure me.

Ben comes closer so he can hear me better, he puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "Whatever you want to talk about, I'm listening."

"There was blood. There was so much blood everywhere. Everybody was either getting shot or getting blown to bits. The Sargent always made me clean up. I was useless and pathetic on the battlefield so he made me clean up at the end. Severed hands and limbs everywhere. In the trees. Among the grass. It was awful. It look almost like dead meat. Only it was more than that. It was dead human meat."

Ben looked shocked. After I'd been to Vietnam and seen it all myself all I can say is that at least now I know that no shitty Hollywood movie was ever able to get it right. But then again I don't really think anything can capture the sheer monstrosity of war. How stupid and completely useless it all is in the end, even though everyone says that the soldiers were making a sacrifice for the greater good. In the end the sacrifice was all for nothing. Because the war and the fighting never solved anything. It probably would have turned out better had we all just put down our guns and stopped.

"I'm so sorry, Klaus. I didn't know."

I broke into a sob. I could tell Ben didn't know what to say.

"When you get sober, you can go see someone, someone who could maybe help with your problems?"

Now that I thought about it, it was probably a good idea that I go see someone. War can really fuck up a person's brain, that's for sure. But what will I say to them? Hey, I'm twenty seven and I fought in the Vietnam war? It sounds absolutely ridiculous, as much as I would like to talk to someone about this.

"Hey, I wasn't even alive when Vietnam was going on, but somehow I still fought in the war!" I say with complete sarcasm. I appreciate Ben's idea, but I doubt that I would ever be able to see someone about this.

"I'm sorry, it's just that I'm not a professional and ninety percent of the time I don't know what the say."

"Then listen. Just listen, and nod your head to show that you're listening. That's all I need."

Ben nods. I don't really want to keep talking about Vietnam anymore, though.

"Why can't you just let me go?"

"Because this is for your own good. How many more times do I need to say it in order for you to believe that I'm trying to help you out here?"

"I know, it's just.....there are some awful memories coming to mind and I need something to take my mind off all the bloodshed."

"How about I go get you something to eat or drink?"

"Sure."

I think about how the others would react if they just saw random objects moving around the house, but then I remember that none of them are around or they probably would have heard me screaming and banging my chair against the ground. Then again, Pogo and Grace are still here and neither of them have come to check on me.

I can hear Ben's stomps as he runs downstairs to go grab me something. If I didn't have my arms tied behind my back, I would wipe the tears from my eyes, but I can't. Ben comes running back up the stairs with a glass of water and a leftover cheeseburger that Luther left here when he went to go follow Allison. I won't lie, sometimes I'm grossed out by the fact that my siblings are doing incest, but then again they're also probably grossed out by my bdsm kink, so all is fair.

I remember when Reginald found my gear in the back of my closet. I was probably about sixteen or seventeen then, and I was horny. All teenagers are horny, so I don't see what he would have expected. At least I had the decency to lock my weird stuff in the back of my closet, where as Luther and Allison were kissing twenty four seven.

I really don't see why I got in trouble for owning bondage gear, but they never got in trouble for doing incest.

Ben holds out a piece of leftover pizza for me to eat and I lean in to take a bite. It's kind of awkward being fed to, but Ben probably doesn't want to risk me escaping and going back to drugs again.

It seems that, for some reason, I always turn back to them.

I don't doubt that I might turn back to them again when this is over.